caregiver

Please consider the responsibility you have for the quality of life your husband and your children are experiencing. Think about the many ways your total involvement and ongoing care for your mother diminishes your involvement with your ‘other’ family members. Do you have the energy to do the extra little things for your kids, like visiting their classroom or being involved with extracurricular activities or hosting a sleep-over for their birthdays? Do you have the energy to offer your husband an occasional back rub or time to snuggle with him after the kids have gone to bed? Can you give him your undivided attention or do you always have one ear tuned in to the baby monitor listening for mom?

Your mom sounds like a strong woman who has accomplished a great deal for the love of her children with very little help, But ask yourself if your current lifestyle is what your Mother actually wants for you? Is this what you want or expect from your children one day?

Please, consider looking into several care facilities where your mother could accept visitors and have caring professionals to look to her many needs. A ‘cold and lonely place’ does not describe most modern facilities.

Jennifer Cuozzo | 6 months ago
Add Comment | Post Reply

caregiver

My mother was 84 years old when she had a very bad stroke that left her paralyzed on the right side. She had to use her left hand to eat and learn to do word puzzles. She didn’t give up. She said that she never though she would be in a wheel chair for seven years. Yes, she was 91 years old when she died. I became her power of attorney and in 1986 when she was in her right mind she had gotten her will, living will, and power of attorney. My sister in California couldn’t help and I have a menal retarded bother that couldn’t help. Thank the Lord that I had a good husband that help as much as he could with the only one working shift work. We placed her in an assisted living but at about six months my husband and I realized that as time went on she would need more care so I started working on her getting medicide. She couldn’t go to the restroom by herself, couldn’t even walk without assistant and medicide denied her. I had to get her attorney to help with this. She did have to go to a nursing home for six years and 4 months but I was there every day not just a hour but sometimes 7 hours to see that she got the care she desired. I learned alot. I learn to take one day at a time and what ever decisions came that day I would try to do the best I could. Asking the Lord to give me straight. I also realized that I had to take care of myself mentally and physically. My mother’s sister had dementia and her daughter told her father that she would not put her in a nursing home before he died that she would take care of her in her home with two children and she did for some years but had to end up putting her in a nursing home not far for her home. God bless you in all your decisions for yourself and your mother. It is not what we want to do but what we have to do.

judy smith | 5 months, 4 weeks ago
Add Comment | Post Reply

Caring for mom

You’re doing the right thing. As children believe it is our responsibilty to take care of our family, especially those who sacrificed so much for us. Our parents.
I will not give excuses for your sblings because I do not know the situation.
My father passed away January of this year.
My sisters and I make sure that our mother is doing well even though she and my father lved in Florida 1200 miles away. Fortunately she is very capable of taking care of herself but we still worry.
Just enjoy the time you have with your mother because unfortunately she will not be here forever. I miss my dad so much.

Jay Lutsky | 5 months, 3 weeks ago
Add Comment | Post Reply

caregiver

After reading these posts, I can only say that many, if not most, of these care providers have been blessed with loving, caring parents and have the time and financial resources to care for their parents at home. But, some, or many of us,have parents who have either mental or physial problems that, totally exceed the level of what a human being and/or a famiy can care for. Many offspring have no choice but to go out and work for a living and do not have the options or luxuries of giving up their livelihood to stay at home with a parent. A high percentage of us are either divorced, widowed, single and/or have no children or extended family. Another high percentage of us have disinterested extended family members who will not life a finger to help. This is very common.

Others have parents who prefer to live in a nice facility, like my mother does, and would never dream of making the demands of their only child being their full-time caregiver because they would rather have their daughter spread her wings and participate in the life activities that bring her fulfillment and would rather take her own responsiblity, as an elder, to find her own happiness and fulfillment, which she has done.

Additionally, a percentage of parents are so downright abusive that the possiblity of anyone caring for them who cause more of a scorch of the soul than placing them in a facility. Further, nursing homes are bad, smelly, cold sterile places. That kind of thinking totally ignores all the progress this industry has made in provding a plethora of possible living situations for our elders. The elders see one option — living at home or a nursing home, but there are many other options. Our society has evolved, and so have nursing homes, assisted living facility, 55+ communities, residential care facilities, etc., etc., and I have visited some lovely facilties I would be proud to live in.

When I saw your advetisement, it showed the ideal middle-class suburban multiple child family with a mother and father, and with the elder as the focus. But what about the more common scenarios of single parent families, people living in cramped quarters and having no resources or room for an elder, people living from paycheck to paycheck, or unemployed, offspring having careers and needing to participate in them and earn money, and what about the typical scenario of the typical burnst-out caregiver who, on the average, will be living seven years less in this world because of the mental, emotional, and spiritual stress and burn out of caregiving. Statistics have borne this out.

It is not always the “right thing” to have a parent at home. It saddens my heart to see what many caregivers have to go through to survive a day. They are stressed beyond belief, they endure emotional abuse regularly from the one they are caring for, many deal with self-centered elders who are totally without gratitude, their minds and bodies ache each day and every day. They, in many cases, do not know what to do, and our society is not particularly forthcoming with answers. Many have physical complaints and are emotionally depressed. Others have elders with dementia living in big, old smelly homes in a horrible state of disrepair, and their elder sits alone, day after day, in a chair, barefuly able to care for themselves while the house falls apart and their health is jeopardized by the unhealthy, and unclean circumstances in which they live, and they refuse to move. And the offspring have no legal authority to do anthing about this. Others have elderly parents who wasted their money on such things as excessive trips, gambling, poor financial decisions, and have no financial resources because the power of the moment was greater than paying attention to their long-term needs, and now the family is supposed to pay the price for their bad decisions.

So, on this side, let me propose that often the “right thing” is not always what you think it is. The “right thing” was for my mother to go into a senior community, and she has spent over twenty years there. This has to do with my mother’s sometime difficult personality and my life challenges and needs. As for me, I visit and call regularly, act as her POA, and we have a positive relationship. She is also happy with her living circumstances.

Additionally, often the “right thing” is for a parent to take responsiblity for their lives as well and to make wise decisions as they are getting older to save money for retirement, designate a family member as POA, and have a talk with their offspring about their needs, make a will, design a trust. It is also the elder’s “right thing” to take responsiblity for their lives, make friends, take care of their finances and live in appropriate living circumstances, have a positive attitude towards life, be willing to embrace the adjustments and changes necessary in the difficultgies of the aging process and find a happy medium for their needs and the needs of their families. The point I am making is that elders have responsiblities as well and need to consider the needs of others in these scenarios.

I certainly embrace the concept of personal responsiblity in my life, and I feel this is utterly lacking in many people in their day to day activities, but, in my case, the “right thing” and the preference of my mother are not at all what this site seems to propose, and yet, it is the “right thing.” I just cannot but seem to catch the bias of these commercials in touting the idea that the only “right thing” is for parents to live with their offspring, even if that is not what the elderly parent wants. In many cases, it is not the “right thing” to do, and commercials like this only add yet another load of guilt to the stressed out caregiver. To assume a “right thing” for everyone certainly reflects very narrow thinking.

Janette | 5 months, 3 weeks ago
Add Comment | Post Reply

caring for mom

i under stand where your coming from cause not long ago my mama died from cancer and im 17 now bt the whole time she was sick my twin brother and 2 younger sister and brother was ther taking care of her i have always lived with my grandma bt losing my mama it really hurted cause she died before i could make it to N.C. and say my last good bye and i love her

Santana Monique Stimpson | 5 months, 2 weeks ago
Add Comment | Post Reply

Mrs.

I think you are lovely. Perhaps your sibs are doing the best they can and if it is nothing, maybe that is their reflection. You are different and when you mom is no longer with you, you will know that she knew your love.

Marguerite Anthony | 5 months, 2 weeks ago
Add Comment | Post Reply

caring for moms

i also am caring for my mom. one thing I encourage all to do is contact local senior services, human services, or social services to find out what help is available to you. if you have family who cannot or will not help, perhaps ask if they can contribute financially to allow you to hire someone occasionally to come in for respite for you, or to pick up something for you or stay while yu run an errand now or then. I know it is challenging. best to all & God bless.

maria | 5 months, 2 weeks ago
Add Comment | Post Reply

USA

I feel for you . I was in your shoes for over 5&1/2 years , caring for my bedridden mother. I didn’t want to put her in a home either because I loved her and her mind was fine. But I did feel the strain of giving up my life and basically being a slave to my mothers needs. I was not able to walk out of my front door without a sitter available, and they were hard to come by and expensive. One brother helped as he could, but she wouldn’t let him do the personal things. All I can say is that it is not forever, and you will forever be happy that you were able to do this for the most important person in your life. My Mom is gone 4 years now, and I still miss her everyday. Good luck.

Karen V. | 5 months, 1 week ago
Add Comment | Post Reply

I care for both my sick mom and dad without the su

Kathleen,

I think about this subject every single day because I’ve been taking care of BOTH of my elderly, very sick parents for eight years. I take care of them every day. I am their legal guardian (called a conservator in my state) and am responsible for taking care of all aspects of their lives, including medical care, financial, legal, and much more. My mother and father have multiple, serious diseases, including strokes and cardiac problems in my mother and Parkinson’s and other major diseases in my father.

I have three older brothers. But now that there’s no more money for them to take or fight over, they’re not involved AT ALL in taking care of our (their) parents. My brothers also rarely visit our parents, even on Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, or birthdays. Very shameful!

I have much more to say about this subject, but I don’t have the time at this moment to say much more now. Perhaps, when I have more time, I can come back here and make further comments. But in the meantime, you may want to ponder over some relevant quotations I recently came up with. By the way, when my three brothers read my quotes, they wanted nothing to do with me. They were obviously very upset when reading my thoughts on parents, love, honor, and loyalty.

—————-

“To honor your parents is to honor G-d and to teach your children to honor you.”

“Dishonoring G-d by dishonoring your parents is paradoxically dishonoring yourself: By honoring your parents now, you later will reap G-d’s reward of longevity and the priceless reward of your children’s love, honor, and care.”

“How will your friends or loved ones treat and care for you in your times of need? Look no further than how they treat and care for their aging parents in times of need.”

[end of quotations]
———-

Kathleen,

G-d bless you for following the direct (5th) commandment from G-d and doing the right thing for your mother, your children, and yourself. You are a righteous person for doing this. May you find much love, health, peace of mind, and happiness now and always.

40s male in the U.S. | 5 months ago
Add Comment | Post Reply

I care for my mother also

I am a 73 yr old man who has a daughter that resembles you to a “T” but have never expressed my love for her as your mother did for you. What a wonderful person she must be!!!
I am going to steal parts of her letter and write my daughter a “love” letter rather than just saying I love you and a hug.
Thank you for sharing that letter and “God Blless”

peter parry | 4 months, 3 weeks ago
Add Comment | Post Reply

 <  1 2 3 4 >  Last » (7 pages)