The Responsibility Project^®. Exploring what it means to do the right thing

Virtual Responsibility

163 Comments

December 16, 2008 by Kathy McManus

For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, in…cyberspace?

Does the age-old marriage vow of fidelity need to be updated to make husbands and wives responsible for their behavior online?

Infidelity is “just as painful, whether it’s electronic or physical,” says an expert in how the internet affects relationships. “For awhile there was this impression that as long as it’s online, it doesn’t matter. But research has shown it’s not a separate world.”

In what is said to be the first case of its kind, a woman is now divorcing her husband after catching the animated character he created online having a fictional affair in a computer role-playing game with an animated online character created by a woman he’d never met.

“It’s cheating, as far as I’m concerned,” said the 28-year-old aggrieved wife.

The couple, married for three years and living in England, originally met online as fans of the cyberspace community Second Life, a game in which players create animated fantasy alter egos called avatars, and act out virtual lives with virtual relationships. It was in Second Life that the husband’s avatar strayed, though he says, “I don’t think I was really doing anything wrong.”

That one cartoon character cheating on another cartoon character could trigger a real-life divorce caught the attention of psychologists around the world. A British newspaper reported that counselors had found “an increasing number of people whose real-life relationships were falling apart because of what was happening in their parallel, unreal worlds.”

“If you travel in that territory,” warned a San Diego psychologist, “it is unmapped, unchartered, unpoliced, unsupervised. Somebody’s going to get hurt…I don’t think that people are fully aware how deeply they can hurt one another with these types of games.”

Tell us what you think: Where does personal responsibility begin and end when it comes to the actions of fictional online characters? Should cheating with an avatar even be considered as grounds for divorce?

163 Comments

What do you think? Leave a comment

• December 31, 2008 by

  In that marriage, the wife found it grounds enough for divorce. That IS her right. I can't say that I would react as such, but I will say I think there were possibly deeper issues in their relationship and that may have been the "straw that broke the camel's back". My thoughts are if they found each other in "Second Life" then they were both (or at least one of them) addicted to a surreal life in which they can do what they want without consequence. What was your first clue? But, hey, at least it was with an avatar instead of a friend or someone you may have known!

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  • April 28, 2009 by satinsecerets

    Bingo! Well said and put the best way. ~Hooray for you! :)

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• January 11, 2009 by

  Yes, cheating online is still cheating, hence it's called cheating online!

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• January 11, 2009 by Dot Clerkin

  I agree; cheating is cheating.

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• January 12, 2009 by

  Yes, it's cheating. Acting out a cartoon fantasy online is just as furtive and disloyal as internet pornography fantasies.

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• January 14, 2009 by

  Marriage vows should include to use and abuse, to bore and ignore. That is what it is like in some marriages.

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• January 19, 2009 by

  I agree that having an affair on the internet is cheating on your relationship and being dishonest

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  • January 26, 2009 by

    Anything that involves secrets, lying and inconsideration of a partners feelings is a betrayal, hence cheating. If it's not wrong, why do you hide it? If it is a game as some say, play it with your significant other included.

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    • June 22, 2009 by asia vanderkoi

      I think that most of the people that get involved in online relationships are taking an easy way INTO their marriage. Meaning usually, they are not happy in their marriage, maybe they are neglected, lonely. But are hesitant to leave, and are hopeless in regards to making it better. So they go online in order to find some company, friendship, escape. It is a way to cope with a unhappy situation. Unfortunately it is not the solution, and will only put more distance between them and their significant other. Eventually the time comes when we all have to face reality. However, I don't think that the person having relationships online is always the bad guy in the situation. Rather doing it so he/she can put a band aid on what they are missing, and have some emotional needs met.

    • August 27, 2010 by Lily Leider

      Who are you? It is as if you took those words right out of my brain. Thought I was the only one that felt that way. Moral standards, if they change with situation or environment, then it is likely that you are not committed to them in any world and therefore cannot be trusted to uphold your word about any thing.

• January 24, 2009 by

  This is in no way cheating for gods sake it is a game. If you feel this is cheating then you should have talked this out with your partner/spouse before you MARRIED them. The problem with online relationships is that you can be whoever you want not who you are. So who you are may be totally different then online. Get a grip America. Second life is another life not your real life. It is a GAME! Just like Warcraft and others.

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  • February 13, 2009 by Beata

    It is cheating. I have been in Second Life for long time and experienced it in my own skin. It hurts and stays with you for long time. Maybe it is more painful than in real life. I may even know you from Second Life. “For God’s sake - it is a game” heard that already. My life was upside down for more than five months. Second Life is not a game as you react with real human fillings. It is a real person behind that stupid keyboard!

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    • July 21, 2010 by Alomari

      Well said. I agree this can hurt people very much,as i seen this happen to others. I to have felt feelings of sadness,joy and every other emotion there is out in SL.It's game of emotions.I also seen people meet in RL that met in SL. that are happy.

  • July 18, 2009 by Jane Doe

    Since when did thinking online sex and cheating was related to America? I find this offending, being an American doesn't mean we're to blame for everything. No you get a grip please. Don't blame the fact that online sex is cheating when you're married, on America, this was uncalled for and very discriminating. I'm proud to be an American and it has nothing to do with another person's opinion's on things. I think the others in this world need to look at the "man in the mirror" and change their ways and quit blaming a country on things. Being an American doesn't mean we get blamed for everything. Americans aren't the only ones that think sex online is cheating and it is cheating, or people wouldn't hide doing it. Make any excuse you want but cheating is cheating. Period. And that has nothing to do with being an American. Funny how this posting person was anonymous? If you bold enough to insult other nationalities, be man/woman enough to say it and reveal who you are. Coward.

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  • July 31, 2009 by annonymous

    Half the time the online games weren't even available and now they are more than just role-playing and the role-playing was also a way of meeting other people who happened to get bored at home and meet new people and get excited about something new. Then they find something else and they play online games to escape reality? What happened to taking care of and getting your home looking nice instead of spending money on these games? Now Second Life (which you are spending more money than online games every day, let alone every month) have you added the costs up? With avatars to build things, to seeing how relationships work, and so spouses "usually do" let their spouse know about the website. Half the reason is to find new interests and talk to other people such as a man and woman relationship outside of marriage. That sucks, because the wife or husband doesn't know who is who and where they are from. They also have professional prostitutes to talk with. I was on for a brief time and was told why my spouse wanted me to be on there, so they could do what they wanted too, without me having any suspicions. Yet, on the other hand, the spouses end up getting divorced because they don' t live in reality and realize their real life and only life is crumbling. Thus divorce happens, children are hurt and so is the spouse that had this done to them. Why don' t they research how it affects the kids and their grades, as well, because dysfunctional families begin because of selfish ambitions and lustful thoughts and only caring about what they want, not what you want or what your family wants. People who are single have no idea, .but if you've been married 20 years and this is still going on, you might consider in real life leaving your spouse or getting help for his/her addictive behavior. So for Heavens sake wake up and see what you are losing unless you really want to lose. Then if you are married there is child support, alimony, court costs and legal fees, education to pay for and clothing and food and some housing monies to go the children, plus a whole lot more money when you ruin someone else's life this way in the real world..

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  • January 14, 2010 by Jennie

    Yes it's a game, but it's a game with real people involved. Unlike a game like The Sims where you're playing with computer characters only, in this game your actually interacting with real people, so "YES", in this case I would say it's would be considered cheating.

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• January 25, 2009 by

  Personally, I don't think that we were meant to stay together for long periods of time, we get bored, we need to attract attention and act like it our first romantic encounter. It may be an ego problem, but we all desire it, the excitement of someone new.

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  • February 13, 2009 by Beata

    Yes, we get bored over a period of time with the same partner in real life and the same, I guess, in Second Life. We are hurting each other on that game too much.

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  • April 19, 2009 by AB

    To the anonymous writers of "cheating", it is very clear that you have not had the kind of relationship that a marriage was meant to be built on. You cannot speak for everyone by saying we're not meant to be with our partners for long periods of time. Marriage takes effort and work, but when you find the right person, a long term commitment is more than possible. This is more than worth the effort, and it completes us in a way that nothing else can. To say that this is not cheating is denying the simple fact that any secrecy or deception in a relationship (not just a marriage) erodes your foundation of trust. If this was not the case, people wouldn't choose to be secretive about it, but would share their activities with their spouse/partner. Don't be naive. And don't speak for happily married people when you can't relate to them.

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  • May 26, 2009 by jenny marshall

    In the marriage vows it states forsaking ALL others, not some others. If a spouse makes a vow and takes on a lover then it's a deal breaker. period!!!!

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  • January 20, 2010 by DAN BARRILE

    WHAT IF GOD DESIGNED MARRIAGE TO MAKE US MORE HOLY THAN HAPPY? Makes you wonder more about staying committed to one person rather than seeking a high with a new person- the things that make you a better person are usually not the romantic things but the problems.

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• January 30, 2009 by

  If you compare apples to oranges, calling Cheating in SecondLife, is like calling it murder in Warcraft. But normally, if someone is having an online affair, something is missing in their real life. Thus, it is just as painful as a real life affair. You would be surprised how much these affairs do move in to the real world. In retrospect, I wouldn't call it cheating, but can be seen as a prelude to an affair.

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  • February 6, 2009 by Bret

    Very nice comparison there: cheating in Secondlife as murder in Warcraft. I agree that these people playing online games like that are missing something in their real lives otherwise we would not have a "Secondlife".

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  • December 6, 2009 by E Schoerner

    I agree that it doesn't start out as cheating and Second life is Just a game, but I can see how it can easil move into the cheating arena.. I think if you are in a Onlnie relationship - you need to take a serious look at your RL relationship, your obviously missing something in your RL... TBH- I go to SL to ge away from the RL ... It's an escape from the mundane ad BS....

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  • February 20, 2010 by January

    I totally agree with you "Cheating". I really would not consider this cheating but it is a reflection of what's really going on.

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  • February 20, 2010 by terina

    my husband cheated with,online name (fornicator) on counter strike game. we have sex at least 3 times a week. we went to a marriage councel 6yrs ago about online 3 somes. its been 2yrs. i still thank about it.but my point is. there was no sign.how could anyone with a cheating online spouse prevent this.i really dont thank i was to blame.

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• February 2, 2009 by

  I have someone that is on this game sometimes for 15 hours a day and he tells me he is not cheating, but he is always on with the same woman every time. I think it is cheating. I think that this game and games like it should be banned because they are the reason marriages and relationships are falling apart.

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  • February 6, 2009 by Bret

    Well, I'm sorry that you feel we should ban things like second life. The Gestapo will be by your house to give you an award for your services.

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• February 3, 2009 by

  I am in Second Life (SL) much of the day also, and usually "with the same woman" who only happens to be a creative works partner. She builds sculpties, while I do scripting. My avatar is female, though my RL person is not. When my wife tries to get my attention, I type RLRA (real life requests attention) and see to the RL interaction. In my first marriage, I had forgiven that wife of a RL affair, but that marriage was doomed for other reasons 8 years before I found SL. It is important to make sure your RL partner has, and knows they have priority over your SL friends. That's the key. If they REALLY want your attention, they'll use their own PC, get into SL and have virtual sex with you there, themselves - and then discover how silly it is.

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• February 6, 2009 by Gina Gresham

  I had been married to my husband for 19 years when I discovered he was "cyber" cheating- not with an avatar, but with an actual person. It all started in a game room, supposedly, but ended up with cell phone communication, e-mails, pictures, etc., telling each other how much they loved one another, couldn't wait to be together, and what they wanted to do to each other. I discovered their affair by accident when I found a cell phone in my husband's pants pocket that he had gotten just to talk to her. I had trusted my husband completely. Needless to say, I was devastated, and still hurt to this very day. It has almost been a year since I found out. The only thing my husband and his little "friend" would say was "It was just a game." A game?!!! Well, nobody asked me to play, so game over! That is the most idiotic excuse for cheating I've ever heard. That, and "It didn't mean anything. I still love you." If he loved me, he shouldn't have done anything that could possibly hurt me. I never did anything to deserve what he did to me. I was a good wife who did anything, and I do mean ANYTHING he wanted.

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  • February 7, 2009 by Penny

    Darling' my heart goes out to you....I can tell you I totally agree with you one hundred percent. I have always said if people would put the energies into their relationship instead of looking for greener pastures they might find that they are already in a greener pasture. Others might be wishing they had what you got! Good Luck to you sweet woman and know you deserve to be treated better than that.

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  • March 19, 2010 by krystal charisma

    i know what you mean girlfriend,and my heart goes out to you ...i had the same thing happen to me, i actully feel your pain as i read your story,how can men do such things to us,i feel they dont deserve us they deserve what they whine up with, and most of those men on sl will say its only a game ,but to me its just a excuse too justify what they've done! but am a big beliver of karma and his day will come and you'll see,dont waiste your time on him ...you waisted enough and i know it seems theres no good men out there , but there are ! just pick yourself up and dust yourself off and travel on,sounds to me any decent man would love to have you ...so its his lost and your gain ! thumbs up ! *smiles

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