The Responsibility Project^®. Exploring what it means to do the right thing

Trusting Your Kids: To the Dogs

132 Comments

April 13, 2009 by Kathy McManus

132 Comments

What do you think? Leave a comment

• April 15, 2009 by loli coker

  I believe that if my children are doing something that may hurt them, I would spy on them to try to help them, before is too late. Parents have the responsibility to make sure their children are safe, and some times it takes action. If spying is my only way to know, I would do it, the consequence of loosing my childrens' trust, is a small price to pay, considering that if I don't find out what they are doing, I would not be able to know if they need to be helped or not.

  Reply

• April 15, 2009 by Maria Brown

  My parents used to spy on me all the time when I was a teenager and I still got away with a lot of things. They heard my conversations on the phone, they read my diary, they followed me, they searched my room, etc. I felt like a prisoner. Now I am 29 years old with two kids (6-3) and I would do the same or more. As "loli coker" said, is our responsibility to know and help them before is too late. Just as an example, I was 16 when I smoked weed for the first time, and I had a conversation about it over the phone with a friend, of course my mom was on the other side of the phone and heard everything. Well, now I am glad she did, I stayed away from trouble during those difficult years. I also practice sports wich helped me A LOT to stay busy and away from parties and not such good friends. SO THUMBS UP FOR PARENTING SPYING

  Reply

  • April 21, 2009 by Nobody

    ever hear of a kid who is so boxed in by parents who are stripping him/ her of their privacy that they get angry, and they know that their parent(s) are spying on them, what do they do? well i know that i would not go to my parents who are also spies. I have a friend who has this situation. he doesn't like his dad because he assumes control over almost every aspect of his life. if you want to stalk your children then go ahead, I'm just saying that even doing good can have bad outcomes. don't believe me? just look at our position in the war in iraq.

    Reply

  • April 21, 2009 by Ethan Goff

    My name is Ethan, I am fourteen, and I legitimately and truly hate my father. Many people would think that this is just what most teenagers say, but I swear to you it is true. I am a prime example of what happens when parents spy. Recently my father installed a program on my computer called "lowjack". It is quite literally a tracking device, which will show me where my computer is, if it gets stolen. That is great and all, but what it also does, is it allows my dad to see and read every single thing I do and write on the computer. My dad confronted me one day, and told me all of my secrets. Have you ever had anyone randomly walk up to you and tell you ALL of YOUR secrets? If you have, you'll know it is like getting the wind knocked out of you. You feel speechless and vulnerable. At that very moment, I lost all trust for that man, because he never even talked to me about my life, and I would have told him some things if he did. Instead he went straight on and took all of my secrets from me. Some of you may relate, but many of you probably don't know what it feels like to fear your dad coming home each night. I feel so afraid that he will use my secrets, or punish me again for them. It's like when you were younger and everyone found out who you liked, and you got that horrible feeling in your gut. I know hate that man, I truly do. I am watched always, I feel like a bug under a microscope, and I certainly wouldn't come to him for help or support like children should. Many people here are saying they should spy because they worry and need to see what their children are doing, but all of this just makes me want to lash out and get back at him. Since he found out those secrets I have done many less than ideal things that I never would have done before. I am a totally different person and I can never fully trust anyone. If you can't trust your parents who can you trust right? I understand I'm just a kid and my opinion doesn't matter to any of you, but everything i have said is true, and if you don't believe me... go ahead and test it. Children can hate, parents can screw up. But if you want us to trust you, you need to trust us to do the right thing without having to do things like sniff for drugs with dogs. Before any of you do anything like my dad has, talk to your kids. I'm not saying they will open up after the first talk, but after a while real trust will be formed, as long as you are honest with them as well. I understand my voice will not be heard and what i say won't stop you from spying on your children, but if i can stress one thing, it is this: I truly hate my father, not an angsty teenager hate, but a hate you feel to someone who has betrayed your trust entirely. I know you don't want your children to hate you, so don't make them. Don't think just because you're parents that your children will always love you like you love them, because we can lose that feeling. Don't spy on your children, for the sake of your trust bond and their love for you.

    Reply

  • April 21, 2009 by AEW

    I'm a fourteen year old girl, and although my parents can be very flexible, sometimes they invade my privacy. Now, I understand not being able to have a lock on my door, or have it closed when I have boys in my room. However, when my dad (my mom isn't good with technology; he is) starts sifting through my computer files, reading my emails, etc., it crosses a line. I have major problems trusting people, and having my dad randomly confront me about things on my laptop isn't helping. He often tells me 'oh you should be really happy, because I can go through all of your stuff from MY computer easily, but I don't do it that often.' Instead of making me feel like my parents are 'looking out for me', it just makes me resentful. I'm a teenager. I need some room to grow. Having someone constantly looking over your shoulder makes you want to do MORE bad things during the rare times you know you can get away with it. It's like growing up with wine; having it as a regular part of life makes it so when you turn 18 (or 21) you don't go out and binge, because it isn't that big a deal. If there is reason to be concerned, and there seems to be a subconscious cry for help, go ahead. But leave your children alone. They need their private thoughts.

    Reply

• April 15, 2009 by Capt. Bravo

  Bravo to parents! Safety is never a negotiable issue with your kids! For those who say nay! to the dogs, try talking to your kids about such things open communication lines have lifetime benefits.

  Reply

• April 15, 2009 by Tressie Osmun

  You people are doing whatever I can to control your kids lives. It is crazy. My parents would monitor our laptops, sniff around our room for cigarettes, pot, snow, and whatever else we managed to get in, but if you are really stupid enough to hide your drugs in your room, then your parents should be smart enough to know that they raised you wrong. And if that happens, parents, by the time they hit 18, have fun, because coming from a psychologist, you are not going to change them by now. If your kid is messed up, obese, anorexic, pompous, addicted to something: you messed up during the years that were critical. It's their lives now, when one person does something wrong, I think that it is time for someone else to step in, and obviously, that person should be the child themselves. Parents today need to realize that it is not YOUR life, it is the kids. Leave them alone! They like it! I am all for knowing where they are going, asking who they are friends with (which is key when kids are growing up because their friends have a bigger influence than you as parents do), and etc. Your snooping means that you already realize there is a problem and you are only making it worse. Get them to tell you about it and don't get all upset because if you can talk to them that are the best parent of a teenager I've ever seen. A good parents is one whose kid doesn't say "I hate you" daily.

  Reply

  • April 26, 2009 by Michele Shaw

    "…but if you are really stupid enough to hide your drugs in your room, then your parents should be smart enough to know that they raised you wrong. And if that happens, parents, by the time they hit 18, have fun, because coming from a psychologist, you are not going to change them by now. If your kid is messed up, obese, anorexic, pompous, addicted to something: you messed up during the years that were critical. It’s their lives now, when one person does something wrong, I think that it is time for someone else to step in, and obviously, that person should be the child themselves" Unbelievable! I went through many years with my son who was diagnosed with depression years ago. He never partied, smoked, drank alcohol and there has plenty of times he has said I hate you (normal by the way) only to discover he was self medicating starting at 18. So please, he wasn't able to step in for himself, and if I gave up then he could have been worse. This had nothing to do with my "smarts" aside from recognizing his depression and became suspicious he was experimenting with substances, and put him in rehabilitation which worked out incredibly. He will forever have to monitor his behavior and realize triggers for his depression and manage it so he does not self medicate. Steeping in as a parent when my son was 18 was the best thing I ever did for him; he is still my son, and I want him healthy. For me to leave him alone or walk away would not say much of me as a concerned parent. My son has great doctors and therapists and they all feel that we caught this at a great time, it wasn't too late. Your post was really pathetic and absolutely nonsense. Glad my son doesn’t belong to you. I really hope you are not a medical person or parent.

    Reply

  • April 26, 2009 by Michele Shaw

    I feel sorry for you. Someone really taught you a whole lot of nothing about kids.

    Reply

  • May 9, 2009 by Truthfully, I'm only 12

    Tressie, I can see your point. Seriously, I think a good parent would be one who doesn't have kids that say "I hate you" unless the only reason they do is because you let them get away with drugs, alcohol, etc. A good parent would ask permission to snoop, and then afterwards, if the child allows them, apologize and say it's to check for safety. If they don't let you, that could be a sign that they have something to hide, but not always. Even as a kid myself, I'm glad my parents snoop, because it shows that they care about my health and well being. Just don't be horrible about snooping.

    Reply

• April 15, 2009 by Evan Hockenberger

  I would hate to be the kids of the parents who posted above. I've lived my life knowing that my parents trust me and that has given me the ability to trust in others. I'm 20 years old now, the Climbing Director at a local YMCA camp. What I strive to teach my campers every day is our mantra at the climbing wall, "If you can't trust, you can't be trusted." More and more I'm finding kids who cannot or will not put their trust in others. I believe this is a direct result of parents and adults in general approaching any young person with a prejudice of mistrust and paranoia. Why is it so difficult to trust in your kids? If you've raised them correctly and instilled good enough values for them to make good decisions, there should be no room for the kind of severe distrust that would drive you to search their rooms with drug-sniffing dogs as if they were criminals. Let me tell you something, coming from the son of truly trusting parents. Violating the privacy of your children will not make them more trusting and open with you. It will lead them to resent you and act out because of this resentment. Because you exert unfair pressures on them due to your lack of trust, they are more likely to test the limits and act out. If you search your kid's room with a drug dog without reasonable suspicion or coming to them first, I would not be at all surprised if they walk out the front door the next day and never come back. It is definitely what I would have done.

  Reply

• April 15, 2009 by Alek

  If any parent can question their child using drugs (excluding pot, a "drug" used by dying cancer patients, and has NO evidence of any health hazard) they themselves must question their ability to parent. If a you have to question whether or not your child is high on heroin maybe you should get off it yourself, any hard drug use is more than obvious and can be handled in the household, if you have to call the cops on YOUR child YOUR the only one to blame. The act of spy can only lead to a disconnection between the parents and a child, do you want your kids looking throw your sock drawer and finding your "skin magz" and "adult toys". The testimony of an 18 year old, white, male, middle class "I'm in high school, just made the A honor roll, hold two jobs, pay gas and insurance, and not only have enough money to spend on other necessities but wants and desires too. So when I buy pot I know the money that I spend on it is disposable income, that's what a disposable income is, money to spend. When I smoke pot I don't worry, not because I'm "baked", but because I smoke pot in my friends basement and play video games for hours, I don't go anywhere or put anyone in danger but myself, but the only danger is . . . um . . . well there isn't besides inhaling plant matter, like a cigarette but cigarettes are grown with radio-active fertilizer and that's where that little cancer thing comes from. I smoke pot on daily, DAILY, bases, when I'm done with my homework or while I do my homework, it’s easier to express myself when boundaries are removed. My mom expressed her views on the issue, we had MANY disagreements, me as a legal adult chose to differ her opinion, which was invalid. I've been smoking pot for 4 years and if it was really a harmful "drug" wouldn't I have something to show for it? . . . I understand the risks and consequences involved in smoking pot and they don't nearly outweigh benefits. Idea, if it’s LEGAL other places why not here. Most of all, it’s just pot." -Ale I, MN People have lifestyle CHOICES. NOBODY said that you HAD TO invade, trespass, or intrude on your child's life, they might hate you, and they might not.

  Reply

  • September 1, 2009 by Will Mar

    With respect to the Alex’s comment: about how responsible he is and his good grades and only smokes in his friends basement. Plus he claims no ill effect after four years of smoking pot…………………….I come from the era of the late 60’s & 70’s; I have watched many friends use pot over the years. The continued useage has cause slow and permanent damage to their abilities to think in abtract terms, to do advanced math, to handle life on any terms other than very minimal and basic efforts. As a group they lost the desire to succeed or advance themselves beyond the daily usage of their drugs and minimalistic lifestyles. Four years is a long time for someone as young as you are, however as of yet your permanent damage is probably minimal, yet in another four years you will have lost far more than you ever bargained for. They don’t call it dope for nothing. It is used by cancer patients to assist in pain management and increase one’s apetite: but to someone possibly dying and trying to survive chemotherapy…. smoking a little pot is the least of their concerns when facing death in the eyes. Think about the long term and be more careful.

    Reply

• April 15, 2009 by Kevin White

  As my daddy taught me, trust everybody but always cut the cards. Growing up my parents trusted my sisters and I but by the same token, we did not close doors in our house unless dressing. We were not allowed to have visitors in our room after a certain age and our parents told us that at any time they might be in our room looking around. It is a parents duty to protect their children, it is NOT your duty to be their friend or best buddy. If you suspect your child is lying about drugs or guns then you have a right to go in to any room in YOUR house and look around. Parents are in charge not the child, be a parent not the buddy.

  Reply

  • April 15, 2009 by Christy Blair

    Kudos to you. I bet you are a great dad.

    Reply

• April 15, 2009 by Clauidus Phillips

  Whatever parents apply to parenting children there would always be challenges. As a child that was fortunate to have had both christian and loving parents, I pushed the envelope. I tried marijuana just for the fun of it. I tried alcohol just for the fun if it, I skipped church just for the fun of it and disobeyed my parents just because I thought they could not have all 'that' been right. The above did me well, because I was able to use my experiences to help other kids on the whole from negative or destructive behavior. I was one of the fortunate ones who did not descend into the abyss. Thanks to vigilant but caring parents. Forceful but attentive, loving but straightforward, thoughtful, but even handed. And, most of all God centered. With parents like these what else can one desire.

  Reply

• April 15, 2009 by silk n roses

  Teach your children properly from birth and allow them to make the right decision. Remember no matter how old they are they do watch you and listen to you so set a good example. Behind closed doors the most horrible things happen no matter what kind of neighborhood you live in. Most abuse occurs in upscale neighborhoods, not in poverty ridden neighborhoods.

  Reply

• April 15, 2009 by Nancy DellaVecchia

  Drugs are one of a myriad of behavioral proble4ms faced by parents of teenagers. The best way to minimize the effects of peer pressure is to talk to your children and their friends. Let them know they can come to your if they're in trouble. Make you own attitudes toward drugs, alcohol and social responsibility clear. Unless you have good reason, do not ever invade their privacy. This is about the personal security of your kids. Would feel secure if the police came in for no special reason and searched your home.? Home should be, above all things, a safe place. Take an active interest in your kids activities, but don't make them feel as if their space is being invaded. I raised 4 teenagers and believe it or not, they are peopleThe old saying goes that you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. If you give your children respect, they are more likely to respect you and your point of view. If they do get into trouble you want to be the first one they call for help.

  Reply

• April 15, 2009 by linda lockhart

  It's better to do it now then wait until the cops come knocking on your door telling you that your child is dead, in jail or in the hospital for doing something they know is wrong, but gave in to peer pressure. It is a parents responsibility to detour your child or children from any criminal activity, earlier rather than later, or when its too late.

  Reply

• April 15, 2009 by Brian M Griffin

  To let a "Dog" search for Drugs in your kid's room's is 100% right. You could have a straight A Student at home, and an Honor Roll Student at home, however, if you would like him / her to remain an Honor Roll Student, you will always keep in mind that Drugs are within all schools, and it only takes one time for your Child to try a Drug, and if he / she likes it, they will find ways to buy it, and then hide it from you, and eventually, there goes the Honor Roll and straight A's but, if they do buy it and hide it, and you find it, the chance of them not taking Drugs to the "next level" is far less great as if you would have never found it to begin with, and just had that "trust" for you child. Trusting your child is one thing but, giving them the trust that says "my kid wont do that" well, you are fooling yourself, and just when you think that they wont try drugs, they will, and you will be responsible for there Drug Use because, you didn't look JUST TO BE SURE. Remember, looks are skin deep, and anyone can talk the talk, but are they walking the walk? That's the question so, don't ever think that it is beyond your Child to try, or buy Drugs. Remember, temptation is a force that is hard to avoid, and you need to stay on top of your Child's movements 100%, both in good and bad ways. I support the Dog sniffer, and I hope all of you will to. Look at it this way, maybe now your Child will be angry, but in the long run, he / she will thank you for it in either case.And if they are doing drugs, you will know, and if you never checked, you may have found out too late.

  Reply

Tell us what you think.