The Responsibility Project^®. Exploring what it means to do the right thing

Serving Up Responsibility?

169 Comments

July 22, 2008 by Kathy McManus

Parents are frequently encouraged to share more activities with their kids. But should drinking alcohol together be one of them?

"I was 14 the first time I got falling down drunk", Time Magazine reporter John Cloud admits in a recent article examining underage drinking. Back then, Cloud says, such antics were viewed as a "right of passage." Today, however, an increase in the number of young hard-core drinkers has heightened concern. So is it time for parents to take a different approach toward kids and alcohol?

"At first it sounds a little nutty," Cloud says, "but you might consider drinking with your kids."

Drinking with your kids at home, Cloud writes—which he cautions is not the same as buying them alcohol for a party—is "a good way to teach responsible drinking behavior."

The idea is to present alcohol not as an "alluring risk," but as part of ordinary family life.

Addiction expert and psychologist Stanton Peele says he started giving his daughter "a few sips" of alcohol as a child at family meals. The key, Peele says, is not to make "a big deal about it." When the girl turned 16, she was allowed to have a full glass of whatever the adults were drinking. "A second glass probably doesn’t make sense," Peele explained, "but making hard-and-fast rules creates the sense that alcohol is some magical potion."

But for many families, "demystifying" alcohol by consuming it with their teenagers may produce a parenting hang-over. And there is additional concern that alcohol could hurt teens’ developing brains.

Tell us what you think: Can parents teach responsibility by drinking with their kids?

169 Comments

What do you think? Leave a comment

• July 22, 2008 by Candy Cook

  First of all, it's still illegal to provide a child with alcohol - even if it's not for a party. Secondly, in a family with an overwhelming susceptibility to being an alcoholic, I wouldn't think this "opening Pandora's box" to be a very good idea. Alcohol is a "magic potion," for some folks - a magic potion akin to poison. Alcoholism doesn't develop because parents had strict rules about not drinking.. it just rears its ugly head after you begin drinking. I'm the only.. the *only* one in my mom's family who can honestly say they are not an alcoholic - the only reason is because I have never drank alcohol. The biggest help in deciding this, though, was having my parents drink in front of me - so, feel free to do that and make an idiot out of yourself. Then maybe your kid will avoid alcohol altogether. It's really stupid to suggest that folks do illegal things with children in order to promote responsibility.

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  • August 2, 2008 by Roger H. Werner

    The illegality of a parent providing alcohol to a child varies from state to state and it is not always illegal. If you want to know what's absurd, it's America's puritanical attitudes that permits people to carry guns and join the military to kill people yet prohibits them from having a beer on a hot day. Children abuse alcohol because society encourages them to do so by its silly prohibition. We have four children over the age of 20. Each child was exposed to responsible alcohol use beginning at age 15 and none have ever had an interest in excessive use of alcohol in large part because we removed its prohibitive mystique. It never occurred to us to worry about the legality of what we were doing with our children because the only thing that matters was/is their welfare, which remains a parental not a societal responsibility. Further, what society or our neighbors thought of our child rearing capabilities never mattered. Public stupidity and hypocrisy were and remain frequent topics in our home and our children were encouraged to ask questions and think beginning at a very young age not mindlessly follow orders. Your views on alcohol use reflect you’re very negative experiences in life just as our experiences created different less extreme views. I do regret that your experiences were so negative and sympathize with your feelings but have you considered the possibility that your parents drinking in front of you may have had little to do with your prohibitive attitudes, which may have been influenced their abuse of the substance? Most European nations have liberal laws governing the use of alcohol and they have lower rates of abuse than the US but then parents often introduce their children to wine at a young age thereby taking the mystery out of drinking. Prohibition and puritanical attitudes have never had much of an impact on American drug or alcohol use; in fact, they have had quite the opposite effect. Elimination of substance abuse requires education and rational policy and presently, the US has very little of either.

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    • August 5, 2008 by Sally G

      I agree with you 100%. I grew up having watered wine in my teens, for special occasions, and milk with a very little bit of coffee. I grew up to drink responsibly - never got drunk as a "rite of passage" or any other reason.

    • May 24, 2010 by cryssi schild

      I agree 100% with this as well.

  • January 12, 2009 by

    It's not illegal for a parent to allow a child under the age of 18 to consume alcohol in the presence of the parent.

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  • February 19, 2009 by Salina Vang

    I think that you're wrong. Underage drinking is bad for teens. Teens will suffer the pain of drinking later, in the future, when I think they'll regret. if you give alcohol to your kids, if they get hurt in the future, they might just blame everything on you. I think that's when you'll think back and know that what you did was a wrong thing to do.

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    • March 9, 2009 by Tess

      I think this is absurd. Are you a teen? My family drank alcohol throughout my childhood, and I was allowed to have sips and once I turned eighteen, I was allowed to have a glass or two of wine or maybe one full drink (wine cooler, mixed drink). I have never wanted to get drunk because I knew how I could drink responsibly. If teens are taught from the beginning that alcohol is not something to be abused, then they won't abuse it. If a parent is pushing alcohol on their son or daughter or buying them alcohol, that's wrong. But letting them experiment alcohol while a parent is there, is a great idea.

    • May 27, 2010 by shanell howard

      thats so ture am got drunk when i was 12 years old and i regrate every moment of it

  • April 12, 2009 by Harry Alabaster

    It’s not illegal as long as on private property and consent is given from parents. It is legal to let your child drink alcohol from the age of five; although most parents wouldn’t do more than let them have a few sips. In the extreme case of the child actually drinking heavily either by accident or the parents letting them, if they become ill and people see it as a risk for the child, social services can get involved.

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    • August 24, 2010 by Brittany Davis

      I work for the missouri law enforcement and your misinformed. I have busted many parties of underage of youth (with and without parent consent) on "Private Properties". NO DRINKING UNTIL 21..PERIOD!

  • April 28, 2009 by mike

    Its not illegal to drink with your children its illegal to give their friends a drink but kids can drink if a parent gives them a drink

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  • May 12, 2009 by Ashley Meads-Lemon

    I think it best if you teach your children early on how to handle a gun and to know if it is loaded or not. Not pointing a gun at person unless necessary is a vital lesson.

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  • August 16, 2009 by amylia

    Actually it is not illegal to give YOUR OWN teen alcohol. There are stipulations though. If you are getting drunk with your child it is considered child endangerment. If you allow your teen a glass of wine with dinner or champagne on a special occation, it could help them learn to be resonsible when drinking. Lets face it, kids are curious, and we as parents are their best teachers.

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  • September 8, 2009 by Anon Omus

    It is in no way absurd. I was introduced to alcohol when I was younger and have no drinking problem, along with everyone else in my family. I won't say my age. but you can guess. Take it from a primary source. It is a necessity to not make a big deal about it. All the kids I speak to at school have parents that are are extremely strict about alcohol and parties and a VERY large portion of the kids have problems with alcohol AND drugs. You're refusal of alcohol comes out of fear not out of resonable thinking. Not to say it is Bad that you do not drink, but the oldest man in the world smoked till he was 50, but had a glass of red wine every day which significantly helped his health.

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  • November 22, 2009 by Boone Johnson

    In many states it is Legal for children, no matter how old they are, to drink within the safety of their own home, as long as the parents are there, consent, and it is only their child that is drinking.

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  • February 10, 2010 by Nathan Haywood

    I agree that exposing children to alcohol at a younger age may better prepare them for life during and after high school. Alcohol can obviously lead to alcoholism, but consuming food can lead to obesity as well. Clearly this analogy is not completely fitting, but my point is simply that while it is easy to overdo something, it can be just as easy to use without abuse. Teaching responsible drinking at a young(er) age is more likely to prevent irresponsible alcohol abuse at older ages.

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  • February 21, 2010 by Jimmy Newtron

    In Texas, the law allows children consume alcohol in the presence of the parent or legal guardian

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  • February 21, 2010 by Jimmy Newtron

    In Texas, the law allows children consume alcohol in the presence of the parent or legal guardian

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  • August 28, 2010 by Linda

    I completely agree with you. Statistics show that most alcoholics have their first drink at ages 11 or 12.

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• July 22, 2008 by twkae

  We teach our children in many ways, including by example. Our children learn how to respond to things like injuries, bad news, rudeness, in part by how parents react and behave. So, since alcohol is a part of our culture, and it’s here to stay, what better way to show our children how to drink responsibility then to show them ourselves? I wouldn’t recommend a parent with a drinking problem trying this, but by showing children how to maintain a healthly relationship with alcohol, maybe we can reduce the risk of alcoholism and excessive drinking in their future. Isn’t some cautionary education better than nothing for all young people? We really do need to teach our children, that is, our older children, how to drink in moderation, to never drink and drive, not to drink when one day they become pregnant, only to drink while eating, to drink water along with alcohol, to drink out of the proper glass, to drink to celebrate special occasions, to always have a clever, cheerful toast in mind, and not to call attention to yourself while drinking. You know from being a teenager that most things that you were denied you found intriguing. You wanted access to it to solve the mysteries around it. Knowledge is power. We should teach our older children how to enjoy alcohol and how to protect themselves from its misuse, the same way we teach them how to be responsible with an automobile, electricity, fire, money, etc. so they have power over it and it never over powers them.

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• July 22, 2008 by Mary Pierson

  I agree with Candy's comments and would like to add that I hope your approach wouldn't be the same regarding teaching your children about sex. Too many parents want to be a friend to their children instead of the parent because it just isn't as fun being the bad guy sometimes. But, that is definitely the RESPONSIBLE thing to do.

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  • November 15, 2008 by stacy gregory

    The next thing you people will say is " Hey I do not want you to learn how to do heroine the wrong way so let me show you how!!" Or, here...this is how you roll a joint so your buddies at school don't laugh at you for doing it wrong!!! I know that drinking and doing heroine are not the same thing but you are encouraging unacceptable behavior!!! As an adult there is a line that you draw and it is when it is teaching them the "right" way to break the law!!! Alcohol is against the law for anyone under 21!! I have raised 3 children and am now raising a 4th...YOU CAN NOT TEACH RESPONSIBILITY BY BEING IRRESPONSIBLE!!!! And teaching CHILDREN how to drink responsibly is a double negative!!!

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• July 25, 2008 by Tinkerbelle1978

  What a completely preposterous idea. I'm not completely against drinking, and would have no problem with parents drinking with their kids, once their kids are 21. For whatever reason the law was made, we need to respect it or do something to change it, not give our children permission to break the law, just as long as your doing it with "responsible" (yeah, right) adults present. A responsible adult would not condone such behavior. Teaching your children to be responsible with alcohol would include being a good example themselves with alcohol, talking to your kids about the consequences of being irresponsible, and teaching them to respect the laws about it. It is absurd to break the laws to teach them responsibility. What kind of idiot thinks that makes sense?

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  • August 4, 2008 by Debbie Evans

    Many of you are completely missing the point of teaching our youth to be responsible and make wise decisions. Do you really think that loving parents would be teaching their children to break the law as opposed to not being a foolish person? You must let them know that talking on a cell phone while driving, STDs, guns, violence and drug abuse are also just as wrong. You must teach that the consequences are not worth the risk of hurting or killing yourself or others. What age should we be teaching our young people to not commit suicide? Age has nothing to do with being a responsible person. If you wait until too late to address these issues, 21 may be the anniversary of your child's death.

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    • August 5, 2008 by Tinkerbelle1978

      You do not have to drink with your kids to address the issue – just as you don't have to be responsibly promiscuous around your kids to teach them about safe sex. Talking with our kids and having our actions follow it up does a lot. We don't need to allow our kids to do something illegal (and by the way if in your state it’s not illegal, I have no problem) to teach our kids the right way to handle something. That is a huge oxymoron, and quite hypocritical.

    • August 10, 2008 by Roger H. Werner

      All people and that includes mature children should be taught to deal with situations according to conscience. Granted, society passes laws but can you or anyone honestly claim that all such laws are reasonable, fair, or even Constitutional? Our government is torturing people in our name, which is patently illegal but they do it any way. Any law that is unreasonable can and should be ignored. Black people didn't gain their civil rights because whites willing granted them. They began by refusing to sit in the back of the bus and by demanding equality in the face of official racism. White people of conscience joined in the struggle and the civil rights movement was born. Roe v Wade and the environmental movement didn't begin with our political leaders either. Politicians are always behind the curve and they respond to public pressure for change. I believe in selective non-violent disobedience to stupid and silly laws that do more harm then good and I have always encouraged my children not to be afraid to stand up for what they believe in. And I agree completely that parents should begin teaching their children socially responsible behavior when they are quite young. Any parent who believes they can do nothing for 18 years and then expect their children to know proper behavior is delusional.

  • August 19, 2008 by Anna

    You have to teach your child to be responsible and if you all together say no and they know they can get it, then they will -- no matter if you agree with it or not. I know I would much rather have my kids at home with me if they were going to have a drink so I could teach them responsibility about it and not have them out there with their teenage friends doing it out of control. In this day and age you have to be a friend and a parent to your children or they will be out of control.

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• July 26, 2008 by Raymond Kelly McElhiney II

  I think kids are smarter than we give them credit for. I think drinking is okay with my own children with common sense. If a Dad is getting into trouble with the Law and losing jobs all the time. The kids see the problem. On the other hand like myself I've kept the same job for years don't drink and drive. Don't bother others. My kids see that and know what is right and wrong. What I dislike most is other people/groups being judges of whats good for my Family.

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  • October 22, 2009 by Clayton

    You have a very good point on what you are saying it is a good idea for kids to be taught the right way and have good parental help or see how its right!! Don't Drink and drive and dont drink to much.

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• July 27, 2008 by J.D.N.

  As underage drinking is illegal at this time I would say that leading by example would be a good way to teach our children about "responsible" drinking. If you try to hide your drinking or deny it then your children may see that as the only way to drink, however, if you have a drink or two in front of them and show them how to be responsible, IE... not driving, not fighting, etc. then isn't that a far more effective lesson?

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• July 27, 2008 by Lucy O'mally

  Alcoholic parents often do not acknowledge that they are in fact alcoholics, and here in lies the ability to make a sound and clear choice of acceptable behavior. Alcoholics in general have a line of reasoning miles long to justify their choices and the resulting fall out from those choices. Parents who think they can teach their children about alcohol by drinking with them are deluding themselves and it is abdicating the role of the parent. Parents need to be brutally honest with their motives for this life lesson. This generation is obsessed with protecting children, with car seats, seat belts, helmets, and so on, that they can then rationalize drinking with children makes no sense at all. The human brain continues to develop until age 25. Beyond the occasional religious ceremony providing a child with alcohol is a poorly thought out decision.

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  • July 27, 2008 by J.D.N.

    I agree with Lucy and in going back and reading my own post I felt I needed to clarify a little of what I said, I believe that if my husband or I have a drink or two in front of my kids and make sure I am still behaving responsibly myself that they will learn by watching me more than if I were to pretend to them that I never take a drink at all. Knowing that they are smart enough to know differently!

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• July 28, 2008 by Lauren

  My parents did the same with me when I was 15-16 years old (I am now 28). When I got to college, other kids were enamored with this new activity that they had never been allowed to participate in and that was so taboo. And we all know when something is taboo...we want it more. I wasn't that way. It wasn't a big deal to me - being exposed to it early and understanding that alcohol is to be enjoyed and not overdone - made my college experience far less dangerous than others.

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• July 29, 2008 by sandra preston

  Many Europeans drink with the family and have no problem. It’s my opinion that giving it to a young adult or even a child might do some type of damage not to their brains but the liver and kidneys that have to filter it. I sometimes cook with wine and have given my children cough syrup and we know mouth wash has it already in the ingredients so why use your child as a guinea pig? I believe with good communication and a good relationship with your child they will tell you what they are doing and when they want to try something, hopefully they will be enough but I wouldn’t just give it to them as a child.

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  • August 6, 2008 by Sally G

    I don't think that Europeans have a higher rate of kidney or liver disease that can be traced to alcohol in teen years, but I haven't researched it. Has anyone else? If, as I believe, it is not a problem in Europe, then it probably wouldn't be here in the U.S.A. Again, I haven't looked into any scientific studies, if there are any, but would appreciate from hearing from anyone who has.

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    • August 23, 2008 by Pat H

      I used to believe it was better to allow kids to drink at home at a young age until I went to work in the field. Now I realize that countries where children do drink with meals from a young age have a higher incidence of alcoholism and of alcohol related disease and deaths. Search the web. A link to the first study I pulled up is: http://alcalc.oxfordjournals.org/cgi/content/full/agl124v1 New data in the US supports this: those who begin drinking before the age of 15 are 5 times more likely to become alcoholics than those who do not drink until age 21. I don't have a problem with those who are of legal age drinking responsibly, and there are now good reasons to wait until 21 because of impact on the developing brain of younger people. Other comments: It is not illegal in my state to provide alcohol to your own child, but in almost every state it is illegal to provide to other minors and in many states that also carries liability for any injuries or accidents involving those minors while under the influence. Parents have the right to choose their stance on this and, I believe, they have an obligation to do the research so they make an informed decision and do not do harm to their children. While they are at it, they might consider that 2/3 of all date rapes are alcohol-related, a consequence of young people drinking that is ignored...and allowing them to drink at home tells them it is OK to drink anywhere, according to student high school surveys nationwide.

• July 29, 2008 by Candy Cook

  It's still illegal to drink with a minor. I don't care what you are trying to teach them. Now, if folks want to teach responsible drinking at a legal age, go for it. But, until a kid turns 21, the ONLY responsible drinking is NON ALCOHOLIC. It would be illegal and therefore, irresponsible to include them in drinking alcoholic beverages.

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  • August 5, 2008 by Raymond Kelly McElhiney II

    The National Minimum Drinking Age Act of 1984 states that revenue will be withheld from states that allow the purchase of alcohol by anyone under the age of 21. Some states do not allow those under the legal drinking age to be present in liquor stores or in bars (usually, the difference between a bar and a restaurant is whether food is being served). Contrary to popular belief, since the National Minimum Drinking Age Act of 1984, few states specifically prohibit minors' and young adults' consumption of alcohol in private settings. As of January 1, 2007, 14 states and the District of Columbia ban underage consumption outright, 19 states do not specifically ban underage consumption, and an additional 27 states have family member and/or location exceptions to their underage consumption laws. Federal law explicitly provides for religious, medical, employment and private club possession exceptions; as of 2005, 31 states have family member and/or location exceptions to their underage possession laws. Underage purchase of alcohol, though illegal in all fifty states, is not a felony, but a misdemeanor. See underage drinking in the United States.

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  • August 22, 2008 by ChadForeman

    It is not illegal for a person under 21 to consume alcohol if they are with their parent or legal guardian. This is true in the home as well as in restaurants or bars. Parents or legal guardians can purchase alcohol for their under-age children, by law. Therefore, it is not illegal.

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    • August 24, 2008 by Mary Lou Holt

      I had access to a CD from my company that gave you a test on how fast and what you were drinking. Then it told you what your blood alcohol content would be. I made my daughter take the test as a teenager and did allow her to drink in our home. I wanted her to know what her limit was and how much she could drink in order to stay under control and under the legal limit. I feel like it was my responsibility to provide her with that information to make informed choices.

• July 29, 2008 by twkae

  Here's a suggestion for those of us who want to educate our children about drinking responsibly, but don't want to break the law. Substitute non-alcoholic beverages like sparkling grape juice in place of Champagne. The ritual of celebration with the popping of the cork and the tiny bubbles can still be enjoyed. The point is to teach (and therefore protect) our older children, not intoxicate them. We need to train them that you don't drink alcohol the same way you drink soda or tonic - sipping verses drinking; tasting and enjoying verses re-hydrating, etc.

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• August 2, 2008 by Bea Jones

  To NOT make things taboo so that kids will be tempted to overindulge and harm them as soon as they cut the apron strings. Drinking at our house was neither a ritual nor an everyday thing, nor did we drink to get drunk. When our children were in their teens, many of their schoolmates, under the constraints of "Don't you EVER let me catch you drinking!" - simply didn't get caught - until my husband or I, EMTs, worked on them after their fatal or near-fatal wrecks or parties. Our children knew the dangers of drinking, and drank wine, beer, and liquor IN MODERATION with us from their teens. When they all left home to go to college, they frequently were the designated drivers, and one was a resident's assistant and took care of the other students in the dorms. She knew the symptoms of alcohol poisoning as well as drug overdose, and held peoples' heads over toilets, got them into bed, or called the ambulance as situations directed. All of our children were raised with common sense and that some things were a fact of life, and didn't need to be explored on the sly, away from Mom and Dad's judgment. By making sure that they knew that overindulgence in drinking, drugs and multiple sex partners were damaging to their emotional and physical health, they had a greater self respect and a tendency to not indulge or overindulge. No we did not have sex with them or do drugs with them; but waiting till they were of an arbitrary "legal" age to have a drink with them was foolish. If Americans would take a hard look at their silly self-righteousness for one second, they would realize that their counterparts in Europe have it right - the more restrictions you lay on your child, the less responsible they are when they leave your feathered nest. Maturity only comes with full information on actions and consequences, and the ability to make an informed and intelligent decision.

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  • August 6, 2008 by Sally G

    That says it all.

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