The Evolution of Lies

All lies are self-serving. They are not intended (truly) to spare someone else’s feelings, but to spare our own. We don’t want people to think badly of us, so we lie to questions such as, “do I look fat?” (I find it interesting that “fat” is the go-to hypothetical—we have such issues in this country about our bodies—but that is another blog). But, it is the fear that prompts the question in the first place that creates the “necessity” for the lie. We seem to need verification (root of that word is ‘veri’ from veritas: truth in Latin) of our sense of self. The real first lie is the one we tell ourselves about our needs/desires/fears. The four basic urges (fight, feed, flee, procreate) are the evolutionary foundation for all our acts, including lying. I suppose we simply haven’t evolved to the point where lying isn’t necessary and useful.
On another point (about hiding spinach in brownies). If you do this, yes you are a hypocrite, but worse, you’re a coward. Children do not know what is best for them, so sometimes we must COMPEL them to do things, like eat their spinach. (Parents often don’t know what’s best, but we must do our best anyway.) When we hide the spinach in the brownie, what we’re really doing is hiding from the disapproval and bad feelings our children MIGHT project. No one wants to be “the bad guy” when it comes to children. But our JOB is neither to be good or bad, liked or even loved, but to CARE—take care, give care, care for. Love arises out of care given and taken.

Let us all have the COURAGE to do what we think best without fear of feelings we would rather not face. When we fail or make mistakes, let us have the courage to face those facts head on and attempt to do better.

NY Parent | 1 year, 5 months ago
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NY PARENT

I don’t know if I would go so far as to call someone a coward for putting spinach in brownies, lol. That’s just a LITTLE extreme don’t ya think? I mean this simply, as far as cooking, but seriously, it is a MEAL, not a murder trial. Liquid chickens (raw eggs) alone are disgusting, as well as vegetable oil, salt, baking soda and flour. Even sugar loses ALL appeal when you’re staring at 2-4 cups of it. But adding these ingredients together with a little bit of heat makes this all a delightful treat. Are we so primitive that we can’t enjoy good, different, and healthy meals just for the sake of eating each ingredient alone?

Now I’m saying all this strictly when it comes to food, but why is it important what a mommy puts in her brownies? Or her casserole?

Mia | 1 year, 5 months ago
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Am When We Feel We Know The Answer Already

Inner dialogue needs to take place first, when we sense the individual with us may not be truthful if we orally pause the question resting silently on our lips. We need to ask ourselves, “Is there something I am doing or have done to create this present situation in which the person I’m with is frightened of being truthful?” Are my actions or my possessions creating feelings of jealousy, superiority, non-safety, or fear? Is there anything I can do or say in this moment which will create a more comfortable moment for the person I’m with? Might I offer the root of a shrub, or share bulbs when I next dig them just to spread their loveliness or garden freshness? Are my actions disrespectful of the other persons abilities to make their own life food decisions or am I being exceptionally strict. Those times we can keep ourselves in the moment we automatically know the right thing to say or do and have no need to put another in a corner. Our senses know the answers before we do. The sense of a lie afoot is the sense of another’s discomfort in the moment. If it is possible to lesson rather than increase the negative vibes a moment presents, don’t we end up helping the whole of life?

Beth Prenot | 1 year, 5 months ago
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What about saying you don't know?

Yes, I am young. But what I often do is, for this question of “Do these pants make me look fat?” I generally tell people that that is not my area of expertise (in a much simpler fashion, of course) and that it is not up to me to decide.

So…in a select situation, is saying “I don’t know” an acceptable way of avoiding telling a lie AND telling the truth? Or is it just another lie in itself?

I once read somewhere that people have lost the ability to admit they don’t know, meaning they give a made-up answer to a question they really don’t know anything about. It takes a strong person to tell the truth and say “I don’t know.” My real question is this: When is saying “I don’t know” an adequate, genuine answer and when is it an excuse not to tell the truth?

Ameliescence | 1 year, 5 months ago
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White Lies and Casuistry

I agree that the recognition of, and ability to tell, white lies represents a positive step toward maturity in children regarding how they communicate w/ others. I teach a college course in communication ethics. Lying inevitably proves to be a favorite topic. Most believe so-called “white” lies are fine, yet when pressed they cannot define a “white” lie, much less why a such a lie (let’s call it a half-truth) qualifies as ethical communication. Only when we study the (not exclusively) Kantian idea that people should be treated as ends in their own right rather than as means to an end do they begin to question the “total lie” v. “half-truth” v. “whole truth” trichotomy. (I’ve never been totally convinced of the worth of this trichotomy anyway.)
I introduce them to casuistry, a method of ethical deliberation with roots in ancient rabbinic tradition for applying Torah law in specific cases. Casuistry demands a focus on case-based particulars rather than the application of generalized laws to all cases; in ethics it provides a method for deliberating when and how much of the truth should be revealed in a given case. Not a method for twisting the truth, casuistry provides firmer footing for nuanced ethical decision-making. Without such nuance in our daily communication, our communal life and individuals within the community could suffer irreparable, needless harm. Casuistry helps students see that so-called “white” lies aren’t about fudging the truth or saving themselves from harm. Instead they learn that the artificial trichotomy between “full truth,” “white” lie and “full-blown lie” collapses under its own weight. How much one reveals becomes an ethical decision in its own right, complete with the corrective that we must treat people as ends themselves and never as a means to an end. As such, casuistry eliminates the “white” lie fallacy and does in fact demonstrate maturation and positive mental growth regarding discernment and communication practice.

~Jeff Walker

Jeff Walker | 1 year, 4 months ago
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Thank You Maryann

We all have the capability of growing more when a truth to which we have been blind is shown us. The onus is on each of us to use the manure our old false knowledge becomes when it is digested by truth. In the end all false understandings and beliefs do come to light. How beautiful for the individual stuck in life who cannot figure out why, as well as the one basing all life’s choices on false beliefs, to have the opportunity to bloom before their short time on earth is up. Individuals then have the opportunity to turn that manure into beautiful compost by turning it over and over, examining it to discard what can not be used as fertilizer and using the rest of it to grow and bloom. Share truths as soon as they are known beyond any doubt, in a manner the individual is capable of comprehending, and do so with compassion. Free your own mind of fixed solutions or time tables and trust the human spirit. Remember always that the butterfly is strongest who emerges from his chrysalis with his own effort and the chick whose shell is cracked and removed for him seldom lives long enough to take a single step. Be certain to leave the individual totally free to make their own decisions in a supportive environment free of the sense of manipulation, free of half truths, for these only complicate an already difficult task.
Have faith that each human is capable of accomplishing or accepting anything. When truth sharing lacks compassion, is done just to prove superiority over another, or lacks credible evidence, untold pain and destruction may result. Our heart is always the place we need to turn so that we are lead by the right motives and lead with kindness uppermost in mind. If a basic truth is known beyond any doubt it becomes a disservice to the individual in specific and to humanity in general not to share it.





Beth Prenot

Beth Prenot | 1 year, 4 months ago
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White lies

I think we need to look at one white lie we tell our kids: The stork. When your 10 or 11 year old asks ‘where do babies come from?’ are you going to come right out, telling them the truth, and say “Babies are born when a mommy and a daddy go to bed and they…” Well, let’s cut it off there. The point is, white lies are made for the sole protection of children, and that’s it. The stork, Santa Clause, all the fantasy stuff, those are white lies. Those are OK. Anything other than that is not.

Average Person | 1 year, 4 months ago
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Santa?

When the girls were small, I told them about Santa, but I also told them “This is a story. Some people believe it’s true.” I did my best to tell the truth all the time and admit when I was wrong.

How else could I say, “Honesty is the best policy”?

Julie M | 12 months ago
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