White Lies: When do they start to yellow?
Do these pants make me look fat?
We all tell white lies, but when we do, are we being irresponsible?
And when we tell white lies as parents—I’ll leave work early for your soccer game—are we harming our kids?
“Don’t feel bad,” says psychologist Alan Hilfer. “We all tend to lie to our children on a regular basis.” Santa Claus. The Tooth Fairy. Those kinds of little white lies, which stoke kids’ imaginations and make for happy memories, are apparently pretty benign.
In fact, our ability to tell white lies actually starts when we are young children and our parents and other adults coax us to spare the feelings of others—Tell grandma how much you love the book she sent you.
According to Professor Victoria Talwar at McGill University, not only are junior’s white lies OK, they’re actually a positive developmental milestone that all children need to achieve.
Such “pro-social” lying shows that kids have developed sympathy and empathy, which are important aspects of social communication, says Professor Talwar. Her revealing hidden-camera tests with children show that fibbing is part of normal brain development.
So if lying starts as normal, when are white lies no longer white? Is the current political trend of “misspeaking” something less than lying? Is bluffing OK? White lies have no place on the reality game show Moment of Truth but wouldn’t one be preferable to admitting the truth on national television that you’d prefer to be married to someone other than your spouse?
Tell us what you think: At what point do white lies start to yellow? Can lying ever be responsible? Do we need to go cold turkey on white lies and learn to value the truth?
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Who decides what a white lie is?
I am disturbed that “Jr’s Lies” are a positive developmental milestone. Since When does a lie help you to develop sympathy and empathy. These are behaviors that should be taught through life lessons and the parents that are guiding and teaching their children. My father always use to tell me that if you always told the truth, you never had to remember which lies you told and to whom. What we have lost is the ability to communicate. If my best friend asks “do these make me look fat” what is there to gain by telling her a lie. It’s how the information is communicated to the other person that determines if it is hurtful or not. The fact that we are now putting a positive spin on lies (little white or otherwise) is another testimony that in today’s society you do not have to take responsibility for anything.
MaryAnn Thompson | 1 year, 6 months ago
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i think its a rather Utopian belief to say that everybody is ready, willing and capable of accepting the truth. Its the motives behind the lie that, ironically, speak the truth. Did you lie to your wife, to protect your own self interest? Did you lie to a friend to spare him unnecessary grief? Or, did you lie to your kids to protect/preserve their innocence? Would you tell your six year old that Santa is not real, even if the mere notation of Santa brings great joy into their hearts? Just because we know the truth, it does not mean others are ready to hear it. Responsibility is knowing when and to whom it is told to.
juan mendez | 1 year, 6 months ago
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Telling the truth
“There is a paucity of truth in our world.” Todd Rundgren, from the liner notes of his last album “Liars”… While truth may seem to be subjective, it is the only hope in clear communication between people. I feel that the “white” lies are still lies. I prefer to avoid that situation if at all possible, but when conversationally pushed for a straight answer, I will always use some form of preface (“In my opinion,” for example) and still speak the truth. It isn’t always easy, but as my grandmother always told me, if you tell the truth then you don’t have to worry about what lie was told and to whom
James Allard | 1 year, 6 months ago
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Dont get me wrong, I believe the truth is always best. I am merely advocating responsible truth telling. It is quite selfish to tell someone, who’s not ready, the truth, just to make ourselves feel better. But, as always. that’s a choice that each one of us must make, and accept, whatever consequences may come.
juan mendez | 1 year, 6 months ago
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The truth
Juan, I understand what you are saying, or at least I think that I do. Telling the truth is never about making you feel better. Sometimes it is as painful to tell the truth as it is to hear it.
What I am advocating is the way that we communicate with one another. Truth is told there are times when none of us want to hear the truth, but it really is putting off the inevitable. Who am I to decide whether someone is ready or not to hear the truth? If I make that assumption then I am putting myself in a position of superiority over someone else. That is not a position I am willing to take on. I don’t ever presume to know what is best for anyone but me.
I hope that in the end what I am putting out there is the impression that no matter what, I am strong enough, have enough faith and believe in myself enough to always want to hear the truth. As the saying goes, what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.
MaryAnn Thompson | 1 year, 6 months ago
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To each their own
Well, Maryann, in the end I think we both are trying to achieve the same thing: the ability to communicate and relate to others in a compassionate a tolerant way. Whether it is by way of bold, tactful truths or quieted reservations – to each their own.
juan mendez | 1 year, 6 months ago
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Lying Is OK?
While I readily admit there is a need for tact and diplomacy, I don’t believe lying is ever a positive thing. Every human being is born with a conscience. This conscience gives us a “funny feeling” when we do something wrong. If we teach our children that some lies are ok, they might learn to ignore their conscience on other matters.
Pattie Morgan | 1 year, 6 months ago
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How do you explain
So how do you explain Santa and all these other fairy tales to children? Children whole heartedly believe in them. Do you just say no they don’t exist, or do you play along? Or do you wait until they more prepared and mature to tell them the truth?
juan mendez | 1 year, 6 months ago
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From the Mouths of Babes
I posed the following question to my 10 year old son…“What if I took you with me to go shopping and I tried on a pair of pants and was like…‘Hey, do these pants make me look fat?’…what would you say? Would you tell a little white lie and say that they looked good even though they did not? Or would you tell me the truth?” His reply was that he would just tell the truth…that if I was fat, I would know it, and I would already know that it is not the pants that made me look fat. (Trying not to chuckle from his ultra-honesty) I said ‘Well, what if I get my feelings hurt by you being so honest?’ He paused for about 5 seconds, then said…matter-of-factly…‘I would apologize…then we’d go get ice cream!’ Hehe…I love this kid! If only it were that easy for me
Cat Jones | 1 year, 6 months ago
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both sides of the fence
I understand very well both views. Realistically speaking, we’ve ALL done it, even if only once: lied. Whether we did it out of sympathy/empathy sake or for selfish reasons really doesn’t matter in the end.
Unfortunately, white lies DO hold a little rank in our society of having to have our way all the time. When you call some customer service with a complaint and the representative apologizes, do you REALLY think they CARE? lol Honestly, they’re probably putting you on mute while saying “I don’t give a _____!” And we even KNOW they really could care less, but we still take comfort in that lie, just as little children take comfort in fairy tales. So I would agree that these lies have a function we apparently can’t live without.
On the other foot, I’ve been the giver of honesty more times that not. One of my personal mottoes is that if you don’t want to know the truth then don’t ask me. Depending on whether or not I feel tact and sensitivity are needed, I’m still telling the truth.
I agree with JAMES though. In situations that would normally be “white lie” answers, I preface with the standard “this is my opinion…” or “I believe this to be true…” and spill the beans. If someone asks if they look fat, my reply may even be the truth mixed with a little humor to get a laugh instead of hurt feelings (“Girl that dress is NOT ur friend…BUT you look RAVISHING in this one”). If my truths did hurt someone, depending on the nature of the situation, I may apologize for hurt feelings.
A lie only begets a lie. Someone inventing Santa Claus (lied) and now the rest of society has to keep the lie going for kicks and giggles. I just tell my son that a secret person sneaks gifts under the tree at night time. I’ve found that when dealing with kids, the word “secret” goes a long way and has the same appeal of a colorfully crafted lie. The word still leaves room for the truth to be revealed.
My daddy, who is a chronic pathological liar, has said one truth in his day: If you really have to ask, then you already know the truth.
Mia | 1 year, 5 months ago
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