The Nanny Diaries
On a hot afternoon in New York City, my friend Miriam was sitting at a grassy public venue, watching her child play alongside other kids in the care of various moms and nannies.
A long-time New York resident, Miriam is fully aware of the city’s urban imperative: mind your own business.
But she couldn’t help but notice the crying of a nearby baby, approximately nine months old, strapped in his stroller facing the sun, while his nanny ignored him and chatted with another nanny.
The minutes passed…5…10…15…the baby’s skin got redder, the crying persisted, and the nanny’s only response was to periodically bark, “Shh! Be quiet!” while brusquely shaking the baby’s stroller.
And that is when Miriam decided she had to do something: she had to stop minding her own business.
In New York, where the number of scary nanny stories surpasses the number of scary subway stories, an increasing number of citizens are posting reports about bad nanny behavior on a blog called I Saw Your Nanny.
The posts—complete with date, time, location, physical descriptions of nanny and child, and sometimes a cell phone photo—will stop the heart of any parent who recognizes his or her nanny or child: I saw your nanny …grabbing your boy by the ear and twisting him…mistreating and roughly handling your 3-5 year old girl…fell asleep right on the bench where she was sitting with her back to your son.
Launched in August 2006, the blog has sparked a debate about the obligations—and limits—of personal responsibility. Critics contend that it’s potentially libelous for strangers to publicly attack a nanny’s professional performance.
But that didn’t stop Miriam from confronting the nanny about the neglected baby. “She told me to mind my own business. Then she started yanking the baby in the stroller. That’s when I told her I was calling 911.”
Aware that NYPD was on its way, the nanny bolted to leave the location, still yelling, “Mind your own business!” Miriam ran ahead of the woman and snapped her picture with her cell phone. But by the time the police arrived, the nanny was gone.
Tell us what you think: When is it right to stop minding your own business and start minding someone else’s? How far would you go in reporting disturbing behavior by a nanny or anyone else?
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See...that's not the point
It’s not about helping the mothers. It’s about what is good for the kids. People have completely lost sight of the fact that parental responsibility isn’t about the PARENTS and their choices/desires/dreams. It’s about raising the kids in an environment best suited to them. Staying at home does not preclude making your own money and pursuing your own dreams. It simply changes the field of choices you have during those first few developmental years. I still contend that this entire “debate” is about selfishness and materialism. It has everything to do with women, mothers, fathers, and their financial/personal desires…but all it SHOULD be about is the children and the fact that people don’t seem to think they need to be raised by parents anymore. It doesn’t take a village. It takes responsible parents. Hiring a nanny to do the “job” who has good enough references, the right value system, and the requisite first aid skills has never, does not, and never will be a substitute for the security of a caring home with a mother and father who are there to parent. It preserves the mother’s freedom and the father’s ability to live in a two-income situation, but it doesn’t serve anyone else. You can talk about what women deserve all you like, but this is supposed to be about what the kids deserve and are not getting.
Amy | 1 year, 11 months ago
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Fiscal responsibility
Making money is critical to raising a family, it doesn’t represent greed. In many parts of this country it is impossible to be fiscally responsible without 2 incomes. I am a big believer in birth control, abortion and limiting the size of one’s family for environmental reasons as well as others. The world cannot take so many people as some families go on making. However even one child is expensive, especially with college costing $50K a year. Many parents can’t afford rent or a mortgage and saving for college without working. Greed does not drive most working mothers. I highly recommend Montessori schools over nannies and wish more parents had this available for them. However, nannies and schools are not substitutes for mothering. To define them as such is creating a narrative that doesn’t exist. They aid, assist, and enrich the parenting process. Not all nannies are good, and neither are all stay at home parents. Some are thoughtless and cruel and shove kids in front of TV. Good parenting is not defined by where a parent spends their time. There is no logic in this discussion when people define good mothering by place.
Ann | 1 year, 11 months ago
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Misunderstood
I think I’ve been slightly misunderstood…
I wasn’t saying that caring for children is oppressive. I was saying that forcing a women to stay home when that is not best for her or her family is oppressive.
I have tried to stay home with my boys — none of us were as happy as when I work. Like I said, it contributed greatly to depression — and depressed mommies have a tough time doing what’s best for their babies (kids in general).
Just because I CAN stay home doesn’t mean I should. What’s healthiest for my kids is that they have a caring person there to help them, that they know mommy loves them and will always be there if they need her, and that they have a happy childhood. When I am depressed, my kids are not happy. It’s just that way — I’m incapable of caring for my children when I’m depressed. I mean, seriously depressed. Not just a little sad or tired. Clinically depressed.
So sure… I could stay home. But it’s not always the best thing for the kids. That’s what I was trying to say.
Dani O'Malley | 1 year, 11 months ago
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teasing
I was teasing when I said that Nikki drills ABC’s all day. I really, really was. I realize that she does much more than that. I KNOW. It really amazes me all that she does with my boys — things I could never do. She has the patience of Job, and really challenges the boys to be better people. I’m amazed every day at the things she does with my boys. I don’t have half her creativity or knowledge about kids. I want you guys to know that I was NOT trying to diminish what SAHMs do.
I actually didn’t choose to have my boys. They were all surprises (even while I was on BC). But I decided to keep them because their father and I love them. I can give them a good life. I teach them, read to them, play with them, cook with them. But I have to admit — I like working. When I was a SAHM, I wound up clinically depressed. Not just because of staying home. But it contributed. So I did what was best for my boys and got someone who can do things like salt dough crafts (which I had no idea how to do before Nikki showed me). My boys have learned more and met more people with Nikki than they ever did with me. And I am able to carry on what she starts.
Dani O'Malley | 1 year, 11 months ago
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People are horrible!
That this poor baby was in plain sight and just in the sun is horrible. This woman is paid to take care of this child, and she is visiting and completely neglecting this baby. Shame on her! Good for the woman who intervened and made this nanny pay for what she did!
celeste | 1 year, 11 months ago
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Caregiving Is HARD work.
Caregiving is hard work. Seriously. You’d be surprised at the number of people that think that teaching a kid to not eat things off of the ground, to walk, to talk, to use the toilet, to read and to self-soothe is easy. It’s not. It’s hours on end of missed heartbeats because even though you thought the floor was clean, the little nipper managed to find and swallow THE ONE THING you couldn’t see on the floor. It’s not easy. It’s your heart jumping in your throat every time that precious little baby stumbles to the floor while trying to walk on his/her own for the first time. Knowing that the floor is soft has never made it any easier for me. It’s not easy. It’s frustration raising like bile at the back of the throat because kiddo will say “Dada” over and over but his/her version of “Mama” sounds like “Guy-ng guy-ng”. It’s not easy. It’s wanting to cry after the kid has had their third diaper blow-out in a ROW and there are no outfits clean enough to clothe him/her. It’s not easy. It’s the aggravation of trying to read the child a book while struggling to keep them from turning the page. It’s not easy. It’s the minutes that feel like hours as you listen to a kid scream when it’s time to go to bed. It’s not easy. It can wear on the nerves. While I don’t condone that nanny’s actions, it’s definitely possible that Miriam caught that nanny on a bad day. Granted, someone DEFINITELY should have stepped up on behalf of that baby, I definitely feel that opening a dialogue would have been preferable to confronting the nanny in such a way that it ticked her off to the point that she started yanking the baby around. Who knows how that baby was treated after the nanny’s encounter w/Miriam?
Valleester | 1 year, 11 months ago
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Hard....but impossible?
I have three kids. Don’t tell me how hard it is to raise kids. There is no excuse for neglecting a child. We are the voices for children. They can’t say hey, you’re too rough, or maybe, I’m in the sun please think of me too (instead of talking and ignoring me). If I pay someone to care for my child, I expect them to do their job.
celeste | 1 year, 11 months ago
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I Never Said That It Is Impossible
First of all, I don’t know you in real life, so I’m somewhat skeptical when you say that you have three children. It’s all too easy for a person to claim something over the internet that just isn’t true.
That said, I agree that a caregiver or a parent is supposed to be a voice for a child that can’t speak for themselves. However, caregiver burnout is a very real condition. (You can google it). It’s due to caregiver burnout that respite caregivers were created. A responsible parent/child looks for caregiver burnout in their child/adult dependent caregiver. A caring spouse looks for caregiver burnout in their husband/wife. A caregiver that is suffering from burnout is not going to be as responsive to a child’s needs as a caregiver that has the proper amount of rest and social interaction within their peer group.
Valleester | 1 year, 11 months ago
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Skeptical
You’re right. I do, however, have three kids…my daughter, Sophia, was born 8-5-96 (and although married, my husband helped very little, I was 18-so I know what burnout is from that experience) my son, Elijah, was born 1-23-02 (with one lung, a congenital birth defect with no known cause-I went through almost losing him in a surgery that was done while he had viral pneumonia at six months old. Talk about burnout-try being at your maybe dying infant son’s side every waking moment while taking care of your five year old daughters needs. I pray nobody else has to go through what I did those months) and my last child, Nathan-is six months old, born 10-16-07.
I do know what burnout is-because I’ve been there, and have been through worse as a parent than simple “burnout”. I am the traditional parent who stays home and does the lion’s share of child care, and always have been. I do get burned out-as to date, I have not had an outing with anyone-husband or girlfriends or alone-since my son, Nathan, was born. I understand this nanny being burned out-after all, I’ve been the wife isolated at home and burned out from listening to kids shows on TV all day everyday for twelve years in august. I am simply saying that we are the ones who have to speak up and protect our most precious national resource-our children, the future of this nation and world.
celeste | 1 year, 11 months ago
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There is no excuse for child abuse and neglect. Never.
celeste | 1 year, 11 months ago
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