The Nanny Diaries
On a hot afternoon in New York City, my friend Miriam was sitting at a grassy public venue, watching her child play alongside other kids in the care of various moms and nannies.
A long-time New York resident, Miriam is fully aware of the city’s urban imperative: mind your own business.
But she couldn’t help but notice the crying of a nearby baby, approximately nine months old, strapped in his stroller facing the sun, while his nanny ignored him and chatted with another nanny.
The minutes passed…5…10…15…the baby’s skin got redder, the crying persisted, and the nanny’s only response was to periodically bark, “Shh! Be quiet!” while brusquely shaking the baby’s stroller.
And that is when Miriam decided she had to do something: she had to stop minding her own business.
In New York, where the number of scary nanny stories surpasses the number of scary subway stories, an increasing number of citizens are posting reports about bad nanny behavior on a blog called I Saw Your Nanny.
The posts—complete with date, time, location, physical descriptions of nanny and child, and sometimes a cell phone photo—will stop the heart of any parent who recognizes his or her nanny or child: I saw your nanny …grabbing your boy by the ear and twisting him…mistreating and roughly handling your 3-5 year old girl…fell asleep right on the bench where she was sitting with her back to your son.
Launched in August 2006, the blog has sparked a debate about the obligations—and limits—of personal responsibility. Critics contend that it’s potentially libelous for strangers to publicly attack a nanny’s professional performance.
But that didn’t stop Miriam from confronting the nanny about the neglected baby. “She told me to mind my own business. Then she started yanking the baby in the stroller. That’s when I told her I was calling 911.”
Aware that NYPD was on its way, the nanny bolted to leave the location, still yelling, “Mind your own business!” Miriam ran ahead of the woman and snapped her picture with her cell phone. But by the time the police arrived, the nanny was gone.
Tell us what you think: When is it right to stop minding your own business and start minding someone else’s? How far would you go in reporting disturbing behavior by a nanny or anyone else?
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Communicate, don't Confront
Upon seeing the child in distress Miriam should have walked over in 2 minutes, not 15, and started a conversation with the nanny in a non threatening manner. You said she “confronted” the nanny. Confrontation brings on a defense reaction. A suggested opening: “Hi, may I talk to him? I remember when my baby was this age and got fussy in the sun. The sun doesn’t bother me so I didn’t figure it out. It’s so hard to take care of all their needs isn’t it – someone helped me out by telling me that 5 minutes in the shade will stop the crying. I don’t want you to have to go through what I did so I’m passing this info on. Hey, look he’s quiet now – you must be a really good nanny.”
Ann | 1 year, 7 months ago
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ANY LENGTH
If I were to see a child being mistreated by anyone,including a parent,I would definitely report it to the appropriate authorities.Of course this would not include a little smack on the butt type of thing.In the case of the nanny in the park, I would have followed her and found out who the parents were and notified them about the incident.
terrance tattrie | 1 year, 7 months ago
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nanny diaries
it is always right to protect children. it is always right to err on the side of caution. if there’s nothing to worry about, no need for defensiveness. Hillary Clinton said it best “it takes a village…”. Gail
Gail Hirst | 1 year, 7 months ago
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Do SOMEthing
I probably would have turned the child around myself so the light wasn’t in his face. I’m a go-getter myself. But Miriam was definitely in the right. When there is a child’s needs on the line… especially one so young. Babies can’t tell us what’s wrong, they can’t change their own positions, they can’t defend themselves in any way. It is up to the adults in their lives, and those around these children, to do something for them.
RIGHT ON Miriam!!
Dani O'Malley | 1 year, 7 months ago
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Reciprocity
Wouldn’t you appreciate it if you were helpless and being mistreated and somebody stepped in on your behalf? Prior to Americans getting more involved in each other’s lives, women were raped and beaten by their own husbands to an even greater extent than today; children were abused and neglected by their families at alarming rates (when is the last time you saw a kid with rickets at the playground?).
There is a thing called social pressure. Peer pressure. External social control. All societies have it. Churches have it. Even the counterculture has it. We decide that we like to see clean, healthy, well-dressed children. Families who cannot live up to these standards are not welcomed into the fold of the majority, who do. If we were to go back to facing forward and ignoring the plight of others, we would not be doing society any kind of service.
Christi Marie | 1 year, 7 months ago
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Hindsight is 20/20
We all have excellent hindsight. The truth has been exposed in shows on Dateline and 20/20 called, “What would you do”. The reality is that the majority of people will not and do not intervene. This is not to say that five minutes later, they don’t regret their lack of action. For this reason, I think the I Saw Your Nanny blog is a brilliant idea. The other reason is sometimes people don’t want to be the messenger. Ever hear the thing, “don’t shoot the messenger”. I had a nanny in my building who yelled all of the time at the 6 year old. I didn’t know enough about the parents to know if they would care, so I sent them a letter regarding their nanny’s behavior (Obviously because I lived in the building, I had their address). Two days later, five days later, 3 weeks later, the nanny was still there. There are a lot of parents who employ bad nannies and don’t care and don’t want to deal with it. I am glad I did not risk the comfort of my living environment to go face to face with one of them.
jennysuffern | 1 year, 7 months ago
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Fontana
I would have to agree mostly with “Communicate don’t confront”, as soon as you confront someone, especially in a finger-pointing, tongue lashing type attitude, it doesn’t matter to the other person that they are doing something not acceptable, you see most people when confronted this way will automatically shut you off. Meaning they will refuse to listen to reason, they become emotionally charged and you can forget about introducing reason to a person once this has happened. It’s a human preservation mode.
Second, most women will hate me for this but since this website is called, “The Responsibility Project” I feel I need to bring something up that no one will talk about.
Why are “Nannies” raising other “Families” children? Since the mother carried and gave birth to their children, doesn’t it make sense that they should take “Responsibility” of their children? Meaning, THEY should be caring for their children not a stranger! I think that it’s very selfish of these parents to not work hard like the rest of us have to when it comes to child rearing, and let’s not forget this type of “neglect” breaks down the family center, making the glue weak and susceptible to callous behavior. Yes it’s hard to rear children, we’ve been doing it without “nannies” for centuries. Mothers if they are not single of course, need to take the time and stay at home with their children, teach them to be “Responsible” adults. And no, staying at home isn’t something to look down on, it takes more patience, and bravery to take on a full time motherly role. Good luck to everyone!
Kina Barnum | 1 year, 7 months ago
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THANK YOU!
THANK YOU, Kina for saying what I’m thinking.
terrance tattrie | 1 year, 7 months ago
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not my definition of responsibility
Yes, parents need to be responsible for raising their children — teaching them values and such. But some mohers work because they are single, and some work because their husbands don’t make enough to support the family. And others, like myself, work because they enjoy working and find fulfillment in contributing the community, as well as the family finances.
I think I am just as responsible as you are — I chose a nanny with my same values, and I teach my child and do his homework with him and show him that women don’t have to be hidden away in the home. I am the one who tucks him into his bed at night and prepares his meals (the nanny just heats them up), and I take him on trips to the zoo and amusement parks and teach him to ride his bike.
Not all women are the same. It’s irresponsible to expect all women to find completion in the home — to have little life outside of their family. For some women, this leads to depression. It’s just another form of oppression. Women should do what comes best to them. In our family, I work because that is what keeps me happiest and allows me to take the best care of my children. Plus, I provided a job to a single mother who really loves children and finds fulfillment in drilling ABC’s for eight hours a day. lol…
Dani O'Malley | 1 year, 7 months ago
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Intervene by being Helpful...not Hurtful
No one can stop all these self-centered brats who choose to have children to “complete” themselves from giving birth and then outsourcing for someone else to parent them. Since that is the case, if you REALLY want to help a child, in a case like the example here, the correct method is not to start by getting in the woman’s face and accusing her of being horrid. Look, I have a child. Some days, I’m a Stepford Mom, and some days, my nerves are worn a little thin. This woman could have been dealing with colic all morning and…being frustrated…not realized that the child was crying about something tangible this time. We don’t KNOW that’s not the case, and so it’s wrong and—I think—horrendously arrogant to approach her without giving benefit of doubt. Saying with a smaile, “Excuse me, Ma’am, but I think she’s crying because the sun is in her face,” and then gently pulling the visor on the stroller down to shield the baby is a MUCH better way to deal with that situation than accusing the woman of criminal neglect, calling 911, and making a scene. It’s also more EFFECTIVE in helping the child.
People deserve benefit of doubt…especially those caring for small kids.
Amy | 1 year, 7 months ago
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