Returning an Adopted Child: Acceptable or Unthinkable?
Return unused portion for refund. It’s the traditional safety net when a product fails to please or perform.
But should returns be allowed for adopted children?
The Tulsa World reports that parents Melissa and Tony Wescott want to return their 11 year-old adopted son to state custody because they say he had severe behavioral problems not disclosed prior to his 2007 adoption, including reactive detachment disorder, disruptive behavior disorder, major depressive disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, and fetal alcohol syndrome.
The Wescotts say that soon after the adoption, the boy attacked a neighbor child with a board, killed and injured animals, began regularly running away, and hid butcher knives and lighters in his room. “He tried to burn our home down,” said Melissa Wescott. “The note read: ‘I’m sorry you had to die.’”
State documents described the child as “polite and well mannered.”
Because the Wescotts can’t afford the lengthy legal process of having the adoption “dissolved,” they are asking the state to enact a law allowing adoptive parents to return children under certain circumstances.
“If a family can show they have exhausted every resource…to save their families and this is what they’re left with, then I think they should have this as an option,” said one supporter of the proposed legal change. “No one should be held hostage in their own homes.”
“A parent is a parent,” countered a state adoption official. “It doesn’t matter where the child came from.”
The boy has been confined to a psychiatric hospital for almost a year, and is now scheduled for release, but the Wescotts say they’re afraid to let him back in their house. Without the new law they’re seeking, they could face felony abandonment charges by turning him away.
“It hurts us to see him like this, but he doesn’t want to be with us,” said Melissa Wescott. “It’s not like we are trying to return an itchy sweater.”
Tell us what you think: Who is responsible for the boy—the Wescotts, or the state? Should parents ever be allowed to return adopted children?
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Wow!
I feel for them, there should have been full disclosure and dare I say it… a break in period to see if there was a good fit for the parents and child?
I am not sure this has an easy answer, but they have had the time the child was away to seek an out.
Vix | 1 month, 3 weeks ago
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Returning Kids...I dont think so
If this child was born to then, they still have no idea what or how he wil turn out. If they allow this, every partent of the terrible two’s or the even HORRIBLE teenage children will be dropping them off at every street corner. children are not property, you cant return them! What the hell are they thinking?
Lisa Pruneda | 1 month, 3 weeks ago
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tough one
returning a person is never good, thats for sure. but one thought i have on this is we dont want to sour other people who are trying to do a “good deed” from ever wanting to adopt. this could hurt all the other future kids from being adopted if this situation gets out of hand with a lot of negative publicity.
there has to be a middle ground or solution with state help and therapy offered which these people are trying to get for their child. my friends had a difficult time with their adoption, but still tried hard to give them unconditional love and support. these kids lied, stole, did drugs and prostituted and more, but they are finally seeing that there is a better way to live and are now trying to become productive citizens and live a decent life. they are now in their mid twenties. so i am asking to all of those readers out there whom believe in the power of prayer, to pray for the wescotts to gain the strength and wisdom to help their child get what he needs from them and those involved in his life.
shella lelani | 1 month, 3 weeks ago
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WoW
Sometimes I think I can’t be shocked by something someone does. This shocks me. I would expect parents who adopt a child to not try to treat that child as an object. Okay, so the state lied about the childs behaviors and personality. If this child had been born to these parents there would be no ‘return policy’ on the child. There is never a guarantee of a perfect child and obviously I am not in their shoes but I also know people who have been with their own son and would never try to abandon him. There are programs such as boot camps for severe cases and I’m sure there are other programs out there to help both parents and the child. I do understand that some people are just plain bad but I also think that if the child is undergoing therapy the parents should not be allowed to just abandon him. After all, they chose him…not the other way around. He IS after all, just a child. I may be wrong but it sounds as if the child has been at a hospital for a year and is scheduled to be released soon…why are the parents just now trying to do something about this law? I think that the parents should be in some sort of counseling or therapy as well as the child. I really hope this ridiculous law doesn’t pass because the children out there waiting for adoptions already have it hard enough.
Jessica | 1 month, 2 weeks ago
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Adopted Children are the same as other Children
I do not think that the state should allow parents to return adopted children. Biological parents do not have that option, and as adoptive parents, they should be held to the same standard. However, if a child, any child, wether adopted or not, behaves the way this child does, then steps need to be taken by the parents, and by the state (perhaps in monentary support for necessary programs) to give this child the help he needs.
Rachel | 1 month, 2 weeks ago
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Mental Profiling?
I think the whole notion of disclosing the temperament of the child through such pigeonhole key terms is absurd. Adoptive parents shouldn’t look for “calm, stable, happy” children because that makes a reason to label others as “disturbed or unhappy”. When you decide to take on the role of a parent, part of that job requires you to nurture and to create for that child, stability. So to ask for it up front is essentially cheating. It is a good hearted decision to take in an older child because they usually do come with “baggage”. How many young kids do you know are full of self determination and happiness after being rolled around the state-drum for a while? I may have thoughts of “killing my parents” too. That’s when you work to find solutions, therapy, meditation, or spirituality. Take the steps a birth parent would take to find state help for the situation, up through state controlled care. But don’t look to “return to sender” only to get a “fresh” one. If you want to install your own mind set into a child, adopt a baby.
Melody D | 1 month, 2 weeks ago
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Supporting Children - Supporting Community
This is a much more complex issue than the ‘return’ of a child!
As a culture… as a community, we need to put in place solutions for children with challenges that threaten others. Having a conversation about “returning” children of adoption is simply a distraction from the real issue… which is about serving the child while keeping the family and community safely served at the same time!
~~Mary K
Mary K Weinhagen | 1 month, 2 weeks ago
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Where are all the "right-to-lifers"?
As usual I wonder where all the right-to-lifers are.
They insist they love life so much, contribute hundreds of thousands to organizations to worthlessly protest, place television ads, etc.
Where are their “boots on the ground”?
They could actually PRACTICE WHAT THEY PREACH and help these people in crisis. After all, there is nothing more precious than a child, right? They could help with counseling costs and anything for this couple and others in crisis who are at the end of their ropes, so where are they?
Oh,,,,oh yeah. They are the same people who cry about adoption over abortion but won’t lift a finger to actually help anyone who has a child. They will support any public policy that DOESN’T help parents, specifically single women, but scream and cry and stand around with obscene signs scar®ing and intimidating young women at abortion clinics.
This and so many other examples of crisis would be a great PR point for them to jump right in and practice what they preach. Methinks that their is a lot of money in it for them to LOVE THE FETUS AND HATE THE CHILD.
If I am coming through to a right-to-life organization and you find my post insulting and offensive, then PROVE ME WRONG (which I doubt you can or will) and talk some of that money you spend on loving the fetuses and hating the children and put it to SOME GOOD USE and start showing some follow through and helping these and other parents in crisis.
I challenge you.
Haniel Perigueux | 1 month, 2 weeks ago
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Protect the Child
Both the state and the parents failed in their duty to nurture this child. The child was dealt a bad hand, no fault of his own. It is our responsibility as adults to provide this child with the support and treatment he needs to try to be a productive member of society. The parents should be prevented from adopting any other children because history tends to repeat itself. Children in state programs need advocates, people who truly care about them.
Barb Miller | 1 month, 2 weeks ago
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parent of 3, adopted parent of 2 and foster parent
Obviously people making the comments have never put themselves out there with children needing a home. I have been caring for other peoples children for 13 years and it’s tough. Some children are so damaged no matter how much you love them you can’t correct what’s been destroyed. When you have a child whether they are foster, adopted or your own and they threaten to stab you, their teachers, your other children or themselves or shoot you or burn your house down it’s scary beyond what you can imagine. It would be nice to think love conquers all but it just isn’t so. I love children with all my heart but you have to know when to quit. It’s not my right to judge these people but please put yourself in their shoes and ask yourself if you would be willing to give up your life mentally and financially for someone who can not and will not accept your love and caring and is hell bent on destroying you,. If they could terminate the adoption do you think the guilt wouldn’t tear them apart! Again I am not judging either way but don’t the rest of you be so quick to judge someone for something you probably have never tried. Why don’t you jump in and take this child off their hands and give him a home.
molly | 1 month, 2 weeks ago
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