Calling the Cops on Your Kids: Parenting vs. Policing
Should you—would you—ever call the cops on your kids?
Two scenarios about the travails of raising kids are currently highlighting the issue of parental responsibility versus police intervention. And once again, parents are struggling with the question, What would you do?
A reader of The New York Times’ Motherlode blog wrote that she “asked the police for help” after she discovered her 17-year-old daughter had stolen her ATM card more than once. To “demonstrate the seriousness” of the girl’s actions, the mother allowed a police officer to handcuff her daughter in the back of a squad car while explaining the consequences of a felony.
Readers of the mother’s story offered kudos—“she made her decision with the best intentions”—and criticism: “I think the police should only be called when there is an issue of safety.”
A related story drew similar attention on momlogic.com, where readers were asked if they thought a mother was too tough on her son for insisting that police also charge him with car theft after he was stopped for DUI. The mother advocated that the teen should spend the weekend in Juvenile Hall “while the seriousness of his actions” set in.
Again, readers were divided about pressing charges. “If an arrest and taking responsibility makes that teen think before getting in the car drunk again, then yes, it’s worth it,” wrote one. But another said, “I would never press charges on my son. I think this is just taking it too far.”
Tell us what you think: Should discipline by parents ever involve the police? Where do you draw the line between parenting and policing?
Add Comment Share This
Comments
Director
I support the mother. It is very hard to make such a decision, however, consequences are real and young children need to know that. Of course, punishment should be appropriate. In this case, I believe it was.
April | 10 months ago
Add Comment | Post Reply
Director
I’m curious…where is your brother now?
April | 10 months ago
Add Comment | Post Reply
No drawing the line/ Just kindness and much love/t
Why does there have to be a line drawn? When a child does something wrong, and does it without remorse, some times he or she is trying to tell the parents something: Mom, Dad, I need to know that you are aware of my presence. “do you love me? Or are you so wrapped up in your careers that you have forgotten that I exist.” How many children go through life feeling unloved? Tough love is a wonderful way to get your children’s attention and let them know that you love them, and at the same time, you are letting them know: Be aware, I’m watching you, and I love you, that is why I’m keeping my eye on you. Spend quality time at the dinner table with talk that will benefit your child—not hate talk, but a dialogue that can help your child at the end of the day, go to sleep with a quiet spirit, and a feeling of being loved.
Cordia M. Harris | 10 months ago
Add Comment | Post Reply
Teacher
It’s unconscionable to utilize taxpayer dollars and waste the time of law enforcement to discipline your children, which, parents, is your responsibility. But people being who they are, the police should set a policy of referring parents, preferably with their children, to mandatory and easily accessible family counseling services, where children and parents can learn to communicate in a way that works. Parents: start thinking about this when your children are first born! Teach responsibility and trust from the beginning. When your kids are in trouble, they’ll come to you.
Jane Goren | 10 months ago
Add Comment | Post Reply
Teacher
Answers to such questions are rarely as simple as good or bad.
If you have a child who is basically a good kid who has managed to get going in the wrong direction. Having a police intervention may well do them good.
But if a child is running with a rough (gang type) crowd, it is more likely that going to jail will be seen as a “status thing”. Even something to brag about “Yeah, I’m tough, I have been in jail”.
As far as wasting resources: if 10 minutes of an officers time can get a at risk youth going back in the right direction, that is far from a waste of time. It is a whole lot better than the cost of convicting, and jailing the child for the serious crime they may commit if they do not get turned around.
I think most parents know their child. If as long as they are not a habitual caller, parents should be allowed to make a judgment call. It is better to catch an at risk child early than keep enabling the child by covering their criminal acts. If they will steal from their parents they will steal from others.
Aisha Leigh | 10 months ago
Add Comment | Post Reply
I regret calling police
My daughter was lying, stealing, acting out, hitting other kids in school and being very argumentative toward me throughout high school. I had the police come a twice to just talk to her and it did no good. I tried to get her into a psychiatry program and she wouldn’t cooperate. She kept moving out and back in, crashed 3 cars.So when she came home to live again at 23 and threatened to kill me, I had the police come and they said they would take her to a psychiatric ward, Instead they arrested her. A restraining order was put in place and I have not seen her or spoken to her since. Five years without her. What else could I have done? Now I am still afraid of her but I miss her so much and am so sorry I could not handle her. I have heard that she tells people I was an abusive parent and made her this way, but I do not think I was as her brother is doing fine in life.
I was a single mom with no family. The police were my last resort but I wish counseling had worked. I miss having a relationship of any kind with here. She’s 32 and I have no idea how she even lives.
vp | 10 months ago
Add Comment | Post Reply
Cops are for criminals, not children
Calling the cops can lead to much more detriment in the relationship between mother and child than the “learning” that would happen from the ordeal. Would you rather your child stop the bad behavior?(which they will more than likely as they grow up and mature with your help and guidance) or risk the chance of ruining the relationship and the very likely possibility of having the child rebel and run away to escape their parents’ vices. I know from my own experience that I had enough rebelliousness in me (as most children do who suffer from “bad behavior”) that if I was “called the cops on,” I would feel a sense of disloyalty and that they had just given up on me wanting to punish me. With the sense of individuality that I thought I had at the time, I would have left home, and possibly, if the circumstances weren’t fixed through my parents, never returned if I could stay independent. This would lead to the child more than likely going more downhill in the bad behavior that they were exhibiting, and the opposite effect than was intended by the parents would occur. So if you really love your child you would do everything you can in your power to help them, with the last and final option of turning them over to the authorities and giving up (unless they are in serious serious circumstances where there is no help to be foreseen). I hope this can aide anyone really trying to help their children get through this time of turmoil, and remember your child still is a little child at heart, so don’t characterize them as a whole by the bad decisions they have fallen into. Remember sin is very tempting, and you probably fell into some in your own life as well. Remember the golden rule, help them with their problem the best way as you think you would have been helped best in the same situation, and don’t forget love is the ultimate goal behind all your actions. Peace
Bobby Booche' | 10 months ago
Add Comment | Post Reply
Mr
Well done, I was once arrested and my father was a police officer and had the ability to have the arresting officer let me go. They arrested me took me to jail for the night with his approval. Where as I hated my dad for not intervening, in hindsight, it was a great way to teach me responsibility for my actions.
Enough excuses for our children. We must at all cost teach them accountability even if it hurts them. I promise you this at some point it will be helpful to their future as it was in mine .Teaching accountability is one of the greatest tools we can give our children; it is the prerequisite to change of behavior .
john grady | 10 months ago
Add Comment | Post Reply
Justice for hire
The problem with using law enforcement in this manner will, especially with filling charges, is it punishes the parents more than the child. The parents are going to pay for the fines and take the child to court, community service, and treatment. I am a former law enforcement officer and would not have a problem helping a parent with charges, but I would advise against it.
Tommy Womack | 10 months ago
Add Comment | Post Reply
teen out of control
Is there anything that a parent can do when a 16 year old does not want to follow rules, does not want to talk to parents, does not want to go to counseling and just started to get verbally and phonically abusive with parent? Are there programs out there to help our teens get out of these?
Ivan B | 9 months, 3 weeks ago
Add Comment | Post Reply
« First < 2 3 4 5 6 > Last » (13 pages)