Calling the Cops on Your Kids: Parenting vs. Policing
Should you—would you—ever call the cops on your kids?
Two scenarios about the travails of raising kids are currently highlighting the issue of parental responsibility versus police intervention. And once again, parents are struggling with the question, What would you do?
A reader of The New York Times’ Motherlode blog wrote that she “asked the police for help” after she discovered her 17-year-old daughter had stolen her ATM card more than once. To “demonstrate the seriousness” of the girl’s actions, the mother allowed a police officer to handcuff her daughter in the back of a squad car while explaining the consequences of a felony.
Readers of the mother’s story offered kudos—“she made her decision with the best intentions”—and criticism: “I think the police should only be called when there is an issue of safety.”
A related story drew similar attention on momlogic.com, where readers were asked if they thought a mother was too tough on her son for insisting that police also charge him with car theft after he was stopped for DUI. The mother advocated that the teen should spend the weekend in Juvenile Hall “while the seriousness of his actions” set in.
Again, readers were divided about pressing charges. “If an arrest and taking responsibility makes that teen think before getting in the car drunk again, then yes, it’s worth it,” wrote one. But another said, “I would never press charges on my son. I think this is just taking it too far.”
Tell us what you think: Should discipline by parents ever involve the police? Where do you draw the line between parenting and policing?
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Comments
Dp The Hard Thing!
Taking drastic measures to keep ones kids safe are the most difficult steps a parent ever has to make. I lived it, and the guilt and fear fight this terrible battle within, but there is only ever one answer, “Do the hard thing.” The hard thing is what is best, in the long run, for your child.
My son became addicted to drugs and alcohol, and knowing full well that I could not stop him, I had to make him choose between going into a program or finding a new place to live. I could no longer watch him hurt himself the way he was. And allowing him to live with me, was enabling his behavior.
One night, before I made this decision, my son wanted to leave the house and drive to his girlfriend’s house; when I tried to stop him he became insolent, which is not who he normally is. I called the police and my son had started walking away before the police got there and the officer asked me if I wanted him to remove the battery from my son’s car and I agreed, so when my son came back to drive the car and was unable to, he knew he had to walk. I was not comfortable with him walking, and it was really hard not knowing whether or not he was safe, but I had to do what I did, and I was grateful to have gotten two policemen that were understanding. They would have put him in protective custody but I thought that it was enough that he walk it off.
Having to make him move out was the right thing, calling the police was the right thing. Being a parent can be very difficult, and one must always be prepared to do the right thing, “the hard thing,” to keep their children safe.
AnnMarie Cunniff | 6 months, 3 weeks ago
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Teen son who thinks he's boss
You can do a number of things. I remember hearing that from my children also, but considered it “an excuse for bad behavior.” A parent does not need to hit their child for discipline, there are other disciplines, and even though your child is bigger than you, does not give him/her the right to get away with bad behavior.
There are acceptable behaviors, such as grounding, taking away privileges; and if your child still continues to threaten, then do not hesitate to ask for help, as you have here.
I’m sure calling the police will help you, and it does not mean you are not a good parent. Just asking the question shows that you care about raising a good child.
AnnMarie Cunniff | 6 months, 3 weeks ago
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The Cops COME ON !!!
That child your calling the cops on is a person you created. Let that always come to mind. Cops are not all good people, more than half. They just haven’t been caught. This is a policed world.
Derek Penrod | 6 months, 3 weeks ago
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parenting via police
I would consider any call for police intervention as complete reckless abandonment of your responsibilities to raise your child, violation of your child’s trust, in the case of the mother reporting the car stolen, bearing false witness toward your child, as well as make a false police report. I have raised three, being my seeds, my blood, the idea of corporal punishment didn’t make sense to me. The youngest is still in collage, the other two have families of their own. They are doing well, they are all good, honest people. Believing in the idea that we should all try to make the world a better place than we came into, they are a big part of my contribution. Raising my children at times tested me to my limits, of course, but its given me the most rewarding times as well, in my children and in myself, seeing the foundations I seeded and nurtured, grew up strong enough weathering through all the test of growing up.
David Allen | 6 months, 3 weeks ago
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parenting via police
It takes a village to raise a child? In what century do you think that saying came from? How much influence should I let the bums living down by the rail road track have on my child’s rearing? Do you know how many people that smoke die from falling asleep with a cigarette lit? Do you think we should light our children’s bed on fire while they are sleeping if we suspect they are smoking. You do not have to send your children to jail to teach them the difference in right and wrong, Try to remember that your children did not ask to be born, you decided that one for them, so try to live up to your own responsibilities and maybe they might learn to do the same.
david allen | 6 months, 3 weeks ago
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wake up
The Bible is the answer on how you should be training your child. When parents stop doing what the Bible says they should be doing, that’s when children got out of hand and stop respecting their parents.The Bible does not lie and has been proven to be true.
rita lowery | 6 months, 3 weeks ago
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Teach their is consqences
Hi, I am a single mother raising two teenagers that don’t respect and think they can do anything they want with no consequences. My 18 year old kicked my front door in and broke windows in my house. I called the cops on him and he went to jail. May daughter came to fight me and I called the cops on her. People say I am a bad mother. I don’t think I am a bad mother. I gave them every thing they needed. I wanted to show them there are consequences.
lisa harden | 6 months, 3 weeks ago
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RE: Reporting your own child to cops....
I have a couple viewpoints on this! One, I did call the cops a couple times. Once, after my daughter moved back in with me as a single mom, she was 17, her sister 15 , 3 and 1 year old baby brother. One day after repeatedly killing me with kindness, giving me drinks laced with sleeping drugs and then going out with her slew of boyfriends and coming in at 5AM or breaking in if she couldn’t access, my little boy toddled downstairs with a cigarette pack! Keep in mind he was not quite 2 years old! He was pulling weed out the pack. I was terrified. What if I had not caught it in time? My baby would be dead. So yes, I called the cops. She in turn, calls her dad who hightails it across the river. The cops asked me his name , they then ran a report on him . They found he was delinquent in his child support payments to me, and sent him high-tailing right back home. However, he was with me on it. He had been fighting with her since she was 13. This is when she made a complete turn around. She discovered drugs, boyfriends, sex and a world to escape from him and her step mom . So he knew what I was dealing with. I hated I had to come to those measures. I had the Officer talk to her. She said she thought she would just try to “sell” it. What, he told her, that was even worse. Anyhow,did that turn her around? Heck no maybe for a couple weeks. I guess I should have let her have a taste of a couple hours of jail. A year later, I had to move, I had no clue where she was . She would just take off with her boyfriend, no one heard from her for weeks or months. Then she popped up a week before I moved. I told her she was not moving with me. Guess what she did? It was not long she had her boyfriend and girlfriends doing orgies of some sort in the downstairs room she stayed. She would steal my stuff, the babies things, all my food, money, my ATM card. I wouldn’t allow her keys.She would crank the air up full blast and then leave, stuff like that. One day she called me, “Mom someone broke into the house.” I knew it was her! So I told the cops to keep her outside (I was 2 hours away) and to go in and click on my computer cam. Sure enough, she emerges though the basement door where she had broken the window she said “someone had broken” This cost me a fortune. I’m on limited income, no child support from babies dad, no help and she does this crap to me. So I told the cops to make her and her boyfriend get out. It was Christmas time and i was so sad. It is 5 years later. She has settled down, has a child of her own. She has tried to make amends . Has she changed completely? No, but a 360 turnaround, absolutely! I’m proud. So what I’m saying, it might hurt, but you gotta do what you gotta do. Especially if you have other kids!
Star | 6 months, 3 weeks ago
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WONDERING
I’m curious. What is a parent to do when your teen wants to go and hang with friends, and the parent has to worry about these so-called gang bangers who hurt my child just for “looking funny” or wearing the “wrong” color? These teens carry knives and they always assault in packs like wolves. This world is a scary place.
DENISE | 6 months, 3 weeks ago
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Children with behavior problems toward parent(s)
My daughter has decided at the age of 14 (adopted), that she will act out every time she does not get her own way. She will call you a liar when you point out something she said. She will distort the facts and try to slant them her way, and will try to control the situation by refusing to leave a room. Once I had to remove her from the room she was in (my bedroom) by pulling her out past the door way.
In school, with friends and people outside the house, she is a darling and could not do anything wrong. She tells them that it is her dad, brothers, or grandma that are mean.
Her behavior has led to having her bedroom stripped down to a mattress and pillow. (Her personal things have been removed.) She has also been restricted in use of the phone and as to what type of activities she can be part of. You would think that she would try to earn the missing privileges and things back, but instead she declares more revenge toward me.
I believe that there is not enough recourse for a parent these days to control their children. I find that the people that see any of the things listed here or anywhere else for that matter, as being extreme, have not seen the normal behavior of young teenagers today. Sure there are exceptions, but just because you may not face these challenges, doesn’t mean that they are not real or possible.
Television, radio, extreme friends, social services (what parents cannot do) list, and lack of concern from schools and community have left the parents paralyzed.
Until people can trust the parents to do what is best for their children, and allow extreme justice if needed, we will not see improvements…but will see things get worse.
Just remember that the child, or teen that has joined a gang, robbed, killed or just hurt someone or some animal for no justifiable reason; could have been prevented from these behaviors if a parent had not been paralyzed.
David Harris | 6 months, 3 weeks ago
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