Calling the Cops on Your Kids: Parenting vs. Policing
Should you—would you—ever call the cops on your kids?
Two scenarios about the travails of raising kids are currently highlighting the issue of parental responsibility versus police intervention. And once again, parents are struggling with the question, What would you do?
A reader of The New York Times’ Motherlode blog wrote that she “asked the police for help” after she discovered her 17-year-old daughter had stolen her ATM card more than once. To “demonstrate the seriousness” of the girl’s actions, the mother allowed a police officer to handcuff her daughter in the back of a squad car while explaining the consequences of a felony.
Readers of the mother’s story offered kudos—“she made her decision with the best intentions”—and criticism: “I think the police should only be called when there is an issue of safety.”
A related story drew similar attention on momlogic.com, where readers were asked if they thought a mother was too tough on her son for insisting that police also charge him with car theft after he was stopped for DUI. The mother advocated that the teen should spend the weekend in Juvenile Hall “while the seriousness of his actions” set in.
Again, readers were divided about pressing charges. “If an arrest and taking responsibility makes that teen think before getting in the car drunk again, then yes, it’s worth it,” wrote one. But another said, “I would never press charges on my son. I think this is just taking it too far.”
Tell us what you think: Should discipline by parents ever involve the police? Where do you draw the line between parenting and policing?
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Comments
Experience with the system can be a good deterrent
My parents never had me arrested, but they did allow me to have an overnighter in the city jail to rethink my priorities. It certainly changed my attitude and I never went back.
Now I’ve been a UMC pastor for 19 years and I’ve seen a number of parents do the same thing and more — to even call the cops to come and pick up their teenagers and take them to jail. It’s always been after the kids repeatedly got into trouble and after repeated pleading by the parents and confrontations over additional problems.
It doesn’t always produce the desired results. I know of a few who are still in jail because they wouldn’t learn and committed additional and more serious infractions of the law. But in the other cases, there was always at least partial success and most of them produced very good results.
So yes, I’m in favor of parents’ use of the police and legal system as resources when their children won’t respond to lesser methods of changing their behavior.
And to anyone who thinks that police intervention is too harsh, consider this: If we really love our children, shouldn’t we be willing to do almost anything possible to help them to outgrow the craziness of their teenage years? And if tender love fails, then we should turn to tough love as may be necessary.
Joe Lawson | 6 months, 3 weeks ago
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Waste of manpower
If a parent is afraid that their child is violent or wants the child arrested in their own best interest (i.e. – to get them into rehab because they are a junkie) then they should call the police. If they just want someone to talk to their child because they are not effective parents, then they should not be wasting anyone’s time by requiring arrests with no intention of pressing charges. Some family therapy or parenting classes would work better in that case.
Kate Montclair | 6 months, 3 weeks ago
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It takes a village
If the parent thinks the child/teen could be a danger to themselves or others, then the police should be involved.
As taxpayers, we employ the police to protect and to serve our communities. In the involvement with our youth, the Police are serving the parent’s need for help and child’s need for authority/ discipline. They are also protecting the child from harming themselves/others by the offense and the citizens within the community.
Sometimes it takes a village.
Parents, recognize that all children/teens need and want guidance. If there is an area where you lack strength, by all means involve the police.
Parents who feel this is too far, may be too lenient. To those I say “watch out!” If you take your child out of the picture, would you want to see someone else’s child getting away with the same offense? Allowing or excusing this socially risky/ questionable behavior will only create a delusion for the child/ teen; sending the message that what they are doing is not so bad or even acceptable.
Responsibility for actions may be a lesson of tough love, but it is a lesson we all must learn.
Hilarie Williams | 6 months, 3 weeks ago
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Mom don't call the cops
Once my mother threatened to call the cops on my brother cause he stole a stop sign. She never called the cops, but I remember my brother and I were freaked out. “She wouldn’t call the cops… would she?” He would have felt betrayed by our mom, while she would have been right in the law’s eyes. He returned the sign and that was that.
John | 6 months, 3 weeks ago
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Urgency
I believe in strictness. I have always told my kids if they get caught doing something that they’re not suppose to do, they will do the time. It is stuck in there minds and I have never bailed them out. This has taught them good lessens in life. You do the crime you do the time.
Tammy | 6 months, 3 weeks ago
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teen son who thinks he's boss
My son is 17 and believes he can do whatever he wants because children were always taught about child abuse, so I never spanked my children. Now that he is older and much larger than I, what can I do to show him real discipline does exist in the real world.
sandra zeringue | 6 months, 3 weeks ago
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Consequences
If parents truly love their child, the parent will call the police when the child commits a crime. It’s about teaching the child there are consequences to their actions. I agree with what Hilarie wrote “Allowing or excusing this socially risky/ questionable behavior will only create a delusion for the child/ teen; sending the message that what they are doing is not so bad or even acceptable.”
By the same token, we need to reinforce positive behavior by acknowledging it and praising the child.
Pattie Morgan | 6 months, 3 weeks ago
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influences
Calling the police was a good idea, it doesn’t matter how good of a parent you are, how patient you are, sometimes the parent is the last person a teenager wants to listen to. Getting the police involved shows it’s bigger then the child and their parents. You can’t go around breaking the laws and think there won’t be any consequences
Sharhonda Carpenter | 6 months, 3 weeks ago
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Pastor
If a child learns responsibility at an early age, I don’t believe involving the police will be necessary. However, in this society that is rarely the case. Using the police in a real teachable moment, that instills responsibility in the mind of a teen, is appropriate. Indeed, most law enforcement officers would prefer to be involved with teaching deterrents than processing more felons into society. Ask a police officer.
DAVID PAYNE | 6 months, 3 weeks ago
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Business Analyst
I shudder when I hear my friends helping their kids get out of speeding tickets, over and over again. First, what are you teaching your kids by getting them off; second, obviously, after the 3rd speeding ticket they didn’t learn anything, and third, what if someone gets injured or killed next time? Yes, I agree the police may be necessary when all else fails. Kudos to parents who have the strength and courage to do it. That is true love.
Teresa Christian | 6 months, 3 weeks ago
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