America’s Worst Mom?
Mothering without smothering.
That’s the responsible balance Lenore Skenazy was seeking when she recently allowed her 9-year-old son to ride the New York City subway alone for the first time.
As a writer for the New York Sun newspaper, Skenazy penned a column about why she fully supported young Izzy’s desire to undertake his solo ride-of-passage. “Over-protectiveness is a danger in and of itself,” she wrote. “A child who thinks he can’t do anything on his own eventually can’t.”
Armed with a map, a subway fare card, and emergency cash but no cell phone, Izzy navigated the underground, transferred to a city bus, and arrived home, unescorted and unperturbed.
The kid was exhilarated.
The mother was excoriated.
“Sending your nine-year-old on the subway alone: child abuse?” begged a typical newspaper headline. A radio show caller wondered how Skenazy could give her son “a day of fun that would probably end in death.” And on the Today Show, an introduction to her was point-blank: “Is she an enlightened mom, or a really bad one?”
Bad or good, Skenazy had re-ignited an old debate about determining when a child is old enough to take on the world alone. In a follow-up newspaper column she titled “America’s Worst Mom?” Skenazy wrote, “People kept pulling me aside to say that they had been allowed to get around by themselves as kids.” But there was a dramatic generational twist. “In the next breath they admitted: They would never let their kids do the same.”
All of which prompted America’s worst mom to launch a blog called Free Range Kids, which she hopes will also launch a movement of “sane parenting.” Free Range’s mission statement gives a nod to protection—“We believe in helmets, car seats and safety belts”—but also a wink to future solo subway-riding kids: “We do NOT believe that every time school age children go outside, they need a security detail.”
Tell us what you think: What’s the responsible way to take off the training wheels and let kids go solo into their everyday world?
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bad mom or good mom reply
I personally think it is a bad idea to allow a child under the age of 18 to be alone in any given situation. They should always have a travel buddy. it’s a lot safer and a whole lot easier to locate the missing body when the under 12 year old decides to go ‘exploring” in the world .
Anything can happen and usually does,maybe not the first time out or second. But why put yourself in a situation where that could possibly happen? Take a travel buddy along. Why is this woman allowed to have a child, if she is sleeping all day long. Sounds like a battle of depression is sinking in and probably along the frustration of a child who won’t listen to a word she is saying. I know because I have a 10 year old who does the same type of bad behavior and grounding isn’t good enough. I can find things to occupy her but overall ,she is going to do what she wants to do. Now my job is find some form of guidance and structure for her to learn how to grow in life and not find those loopholes of noncaring, and do whatever strikes your fancy down forms of thinking when it comes to the safety of the child. As a police officer told her on an occasion she ran away, its against the law to run away, and also not to learn self discipline. Now whether she takes that and runs with it,time will tell. But it was spoken .
barbara | 10 months, 1 week ago
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America’s best mom!
If you don’t take opportunities to teach your kids self-sufficiency, you will be doomed to take care of them forever. There is no such thing as zero-risk living. Wake up and smell the asphalt. I’m sure legions of ambulance chasers were waiting for an opportunity to nuke this RESPONSIBLE mother but they and the other corporate whores that feed off the fear and paranoia of the masses had best look elsewhere for their next meal.
Joe Pawlak | 10 months, 1 week ago
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Let the children lead
I let my children ride public transportation at a young age and some comments I received were also very mixed. Some said “no way, how could you” and some (very few) were supportive. My son can now navigate the public transit system all the way from Bellingham to Seattle and has and learned how to become independent. I think He feels good about being able to do so.
Confidence in kids is very important and parents sometimes tend to set to many limits and not let their kids experience life. I say “good mom”.
Judi Nicon | 10 months, 1 week ago
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poor little boy
That is crazy, she should be blessed that her son came home safe and nothing did not happen to him.There are so many things that could have happened to him, but didn’t.
ashley | 10 months ago
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Concerned for his saftey
Somebody might steal, hurt, or maybe kill him.
marina ortiz and rocio pedroza | 10 months ago
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It is scary for our children now days!
Lots of different views on this, the way the world is now days, with abductions, child molesters, and murders it is very frightening when you have children. But, I also have a hard time with letting my children do things I was allowed to do when I was their age. Times have changed for the worse when our kids can’t go outside and we worry to death about them in a small town in our own neighborhoods. We are enabling them by not letting them to these things to help make them responsible.
Mom OK | 9 months ago
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My input
My third child was born with epilepsy diagnosed at 18 months. I over mothered and over protected him. The other older two received boundaries and curfews, but my youngest didn’t get to stray very far. When the opportunity presented itself, his boundaries were extended. This was when I saw that he was fearful of the wider boundaries even though he was about 11 years old. Now he is 23 and has panic attacks, as well as myself. I read every article and nobody mentioned kids that have health issues but I can speak to the results of over protection. He now hates being alone at anytime. He has many emotional issues and fits a new type of depression called Dependency Disorder (or similar DDS or similar). Reading about that lead me to this site. It’s too late now, but at least I know how much I was a part of his present turmoil. I did what I thought I needed to do to keep an eye on him to be sure he was conscious. I wish I had let him go sooner now. How sad how some of us have to see it in hindsight!
Roberta | 8 months, 2 weeks ago
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Mother of 7
I think it’s up to each and every parent to choose whether their particular child at a certain age is responsible enough to handle certain situations. And keep in mind that child protective services may tell you there is “no age limit” but if your child is hurt/injured or left alone and for any reason a police is called they can and will take away your children. I know way too many good, loving hard working parents this has happened to.
gail holladay | 8 months, 1 week ago
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It Depends on a number of things
I am writing in support of this mom. I’m assuming she knows her child better than any of us do. I was living in rural Texas when my two children were around 9 and 10. My husband worked away from home from weeks at a time. We would go and visit him on little vacations when he would be in a particularly nice place. I grew up in the Bronx and realized that my children were going to miss out on that sense of independence I experienced as a child of about 10 when I was allowed to take the bus to go shopping alone for some coveted item that I just had to have. I would buy those things with my own money from babysitting.
Once my family was staying in Georgetown, Texas and we were in a motel that was about 3 or 4 blocks from town where there was a courthouse square with shops all around. After scoping it out, I decided to let my older child, my daughter, walk to town to the bookstore with some money to choose an item without my input. First I watched from the window. Then, I snuck out and watched from the street. When I could no longer see her because she had turned the corner, my heart sank. But, I persevered and it wasn’t long before I saw her come back around the corner. I dodged back into the room before she could see me. She was so excited when she returned, and I was so proud. She is an extremely competent independent woman today. I have no doubt that her little outing is part of the reason why.
So, how many stops did this child have to ride on the subway to get to where he was going? What time of day was it? What kind of preparation did he have in order to know what to do if there was a problem? And, how many good people where there on that train to help him if needed? I’m guessing there were many. Way to go mom. Your decision will be well worth it one day. Oh, I forgot. I would never have sent my other child on the same journey. He would have probably decided to go swimming in the nearby river. Yes, it depends on a number of things.
Carol Edwards | 8 months, 1 week ago
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Level of maturity
I know for a fact that some children are more equipped than others to handle different levels of responsibility. I have four children. All raised in the same house the same way. Because I divorced when they were young, I had to work two jobs to maintain my household; I had to give them some responsibility around the house. They were 5,7,8,9, Except for the 5 year old; they ironed their closes for school things like that. My 7 and 8 year old cooked dinner for me one day when I was sick. They woke me up and brought it to me. Said they got the recipe out of one of my cookbooks. I would have never let them cook on a stove on my own, but they proved they could handle it. When my youngest was 13 I only allowed him to cook in the microwave, he on the other hand could not handle the stove. This is what I mean by different levels of maturity. I can use myself as an example; I was babysitting for money when I was 11. But because my mother kept me so close to her hip until I was about 13, when I finally had the opportunity to venture out with friends on my own, something bad happened to me because I was dumb and did not know any better, did not know what someone’s intentions were. So I never sheltered my children. Children need to go out with others (not alone if possible) and experience things within reason. Luckily, my children are close in age so they were the group. They were able to experience things together. I also had a dilemma when they were small. I had to be at work, and they had to be at school and we had no car, so I would wait at the bus stop, sit them in front with the driver and told the driver where to drop them off down the street, there was a older woman who was on the bus everyday and I guess she knew I had to be at work from my uniform. She said she would make sure they got off at the right spot for me. So I agree that the little boy may have gotten some help from someone.
We are in a day and age when we really need to be protective of our children. But if we shelter them too much we stifle their growth as far as street smarts. That’s what I was lacking when I was young street smarts, but I learned fast. In this day and age children need all the street smarts they can get. If we teach our children verbally with practical experience hopefully we will help them mature in that area. As one writer wrote, we should be able to determine how much independence our children are able to handle. But still I feel we need to be careful where we allow that independence according to the child’s age, because yes that could have turned out horrible. I would not have sent any of my children on a subway alone when they were that age.
Stephanie Jones | 7 months, 3 weeks ago
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