America’s Worst Mom?
Mothering without smothering.
That’s the responsible balance Lenore Skenazy was seeking when she recently allowed her 9-year-old son to ride the New York City subway alone for the first time.
As a writer for the New York Sun newspaper, Skenazy penned a column about why she fully supported young Izzy’s desire to undertake his solo ride-of-passage. “Over-protectiveness is a danger in and of itself,” she wrote. “A child who thinks he can’t do anything on his own eventually can’t.”
Armed with a map, a subway fare card, and emergency cash but no cell phone, Izzy navigated the underground, transferred to a city bus, and arrived home, unescorted and unperturbed.
The kid was exhilarated.
The mother was excoriated.
“Sending your nine-year-old on the subway alone: child abuse?” begged a typical newspaper headline. A radio show caller wondered how Skenazy could give her son “a day of fun that would probably end in death.” And on the Today Show, an introduction to her was point-blank: “Is she an enlightened mom, or a really bad one?”
Bad or good, Skenazy had re-ignited an old debate about determining when a child is old enough to take on the world alone. In a follow-up newspaper column she titled “America’s Worst Mom?” Skenazy wrote, “People kept pulling me aside to say that they had been allowed to get around by themselves as kids.” But there was a dramatic generational twist. “In the next breath they admitted: They would never let their kids do the same.”
All of which prompted America’s worst mom to launch a blog called Free Range Kids, which she hopes will also launch a movement of “sane parenting.” Free Range’s mission statement gives a nod to protection—“We believe in helmets, car seats and safety belts”—but also a wink to future solo subway-riding kids: “We do NOT believe that every time school age children go outside, they need a security detail.”
Tell us what you think: What’s the responsible way to take off the training wheels and let kids go solo into their everyday world?
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America’s Best Mom
Children have to be able to think and get out of trouble. They should be taught to watch and look for safe zones. This can not be taught in school or home. It has to be felt from a gut level. True, there are many unsafe areas out there. So do we hide our children from it? Then they can learn the hard way, by themselves, when they are afraid to go out. My oldest daughter was in Georgia a few weeks ago. She was raised in Calif. and did not get the education of the streets. Her mother babied her and taught her that she could say anything she felt. Well the Georgia Sheriff didn’t see it that way. She almost went to jail for her smart mouth. She was right, but, didn’t know when to be right and silent. We have to let our kids grow and learn if they are to be adults. My daughter learned a lesson at 32. She should have learned that lesson at 8 or 9. People please unplug the game and turn off the TV. Get your kids out and let them live. You might have to get off the couch and be a parent. That is what you signed up for.
Purelabor | 1 year, 9 months ago
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Freedom Should...
Freedom should start for a Child at least by the age of 13, but at 9 years old? Thats way too young. And especially In New York, the little boy could have died of something and could really have happened to him and she would have to deal with that guilt for the rest of her life.
Andrea | 1 year, 8 months ago
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RE: "Freedom Should"
“To each [her] own,” Andrea. As a 19 yo1 with personal history still awfully fresh on my mind though, I’d encourage you strongly to prepare your children for freedom WAY before the age of 13! It’s up to each parent to decide when his/her child is ready for freedom…don’t do it too soon or too late per child’s maturity level. You’ll kill the child’s spirit, and that will cripple the child for life. As for the 9-year-old dying, I’m sure that’s a cost this American mom figured in—I guess that would be her responsibility. :-) Kudos to Purelabor!
Jessi Chelle | 1 year, 8 months ago
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RE: "Freedom Should..."
In addition to considering the child’s maturity level those of us outside NYC should also consider that NYC is an environment unto itself. Kids there grow up faster in some ways than kids raised in a more benign environment. They more aware. Take your kids on their first trip there and watch the transformation in them. After a week in the City they won’t ever be the same. I rode my bicycle on the streets of Manhattan and within the first hour or so I developed 360 degree ‘radar’
Bill L | 1 year, 8 months ago
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NO WAY!!!
I would not let that happen if I had a son, cause I don’t want anything to happen to him. I will at least have something more interesting to do like take him out to go have fun with his friends. Or, find somewhere he really likes to go or buy him something good to have fun with.
Abe-dog | 1 year, 8 months ago
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Reasonable Solution
It’s easy enough to shadow a youngster and let them take the lead to learn and feel in control. Animals always keep a protective eye on their babies while in the training phase to keep them from being taken by predators of their species. Watch the animals to learn something about responsible parenting. It’s all about survival of the species. This is not an either/or decision. A smart woman such as this may need to do some thinking outside the box.
Joie | 1 year, 8 months ago
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Give them a plan
I agree that each parent knows their children. I had 3 children, 1 son and 2 daughters. My son was my responsible one, if he said he was going to be somewhere, that is where he was. When he was 5 we had an elderly neighbor 2 doors up the street and he would go over there sometimes. There was a little boy about 7 that lived upstairs. One day when Jason was visiting her, he called me at home to ask permission to go upstairs to play with David. I asked my neighbor later if she had told him to call first, she had not, Jason had asked permission to use her phone.
My oldest daughter would get lost going around the block, and had no “street” sense. My son had much more freedom
at a much earlier age.
But, when I did let them venture out, they knew how to get where they were going, a few ideas on how to get help if they needed it (going into a store, library, going up to someone with other children with them etc), and a bit of extra money. This was in the days before cell phones, but we have to teach our children how to survive in this world and we cannot do it by hovering over them and protecting them from everything. What would happen if when these children were ready to walk, we carried them every where, cause they might fall? Children have to fall in order to learn to walk, they have to fall in order to learn to ride a bike, roller skate, and they have to “fall” in order to grow up to be self-supporting, responsible adults. The best we can do as parents is to teach them everything we can and give them all the tools we can. We have to let them have little falls to keep them safe from the big ones.
DeborahWheeler | 1 year, 7 months ago
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Not ready
Nine years old is not the age of responsibility! I am a single parent of four and I have often had to make many decisions regarding my children’s safety as I work evenings/nights and sometimes this requires my children being home alone. However, my oldest child is 14 and she has a cell phone in case of an emergency. I have a nine year old daughter and I would never allow her to walk to the store by herself let alone go on the subway and I live in happy valley Utah for heaven’s sake, I still leave my doors unlocked at night!
To send your child out by themselves is never a wise idea. There is always the possibility of kidnapping, rape or even an injury. What would have happened if her son had been seriously injured and no one was around to help him? I think that you can still give your kids some freedom while providing them with safety. There was no reason that the nine year old boy couldn’t have taken a cell phone with him or went on his adventure with an older, teenage, cousin, sibling, uncle, etc. who would be there if something went wrong.
I feel like my teenage daughter has a lot of freedom. She goes to dances, parties, sleepovers all the time, but she is with friends! If she gets hurt or something happens to her – someone can get help for her. In fact she and her friend just walked in and even they agree that allowing a nine year old to navigate the subway system is too much freedom. (Again this was a comment made by teenagers, the lovers of freedom!!!)
I wonder if the cost of having a little freedom would still be so highly regarded if the trip ended tragically. Would Skenazy still be so strong in her convictions?
Sherri Tidwell | 1 year, 7 months ago
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Kids are often safer than adults
Our society spreads the myth that children are at more risk from strangers than from people they know. This is not true. Children are at far greater risk of assault at home, at relatives, at school, and at church than they are on the streets. There simply aren’t lots of scary people out there looking to hurt young children that they don’t know. Check the statistics.
As far as I’m concerned, the single safest time to learn skills of being solo in public is as a child. If a child screams, cries, looks worried, or even looks confused in public, people stop and offer help. If an adult does anything short of screaming “help!”, people turn away to respect the adult’s privacy.
This child wasn’t alone. He was surrounded by helpful strangers should anything (like a scraped knee) go wrong. If this nine year old was comfortable with the trip, knew the route well, and knew how to ask for help, he was as safe or safer than most of the adults he was riding with.
Karen Winter | 1 year, 7 months ago
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Let em fly
All children mature at different ages. A 9 year old child could easily be mature enough to ride a subway on his own, if he was raised with gradually increasing responsibility throughout his life.
My kids learned responsibility and maturity at an early age. When our oldest was 12, the stove caught on fire while we were on our way to a work meeting. He threw his younger brother and sister out of the house, and by the fire department arrived, had used the fire extinguisher (as taught) to extinguish the fire. By the time we got the call, turned around, and broke every speed limit getting home (with two cops on our tail) he was in the kitchen with the fire department, nonchalantly cleaning up the mess. “What?” he asked as we walked in the door. “I did what you taught me!”
This past weekend I watched a friend of mine’s son work a rodeo as a wrangler. From the back of his horse, he lassoed huge Brahmas and bucking broncos, and controlled both his mount and those creatures with confidence and skill. He is twelve.
We may hold our breath and shut our eyes on occasion, but the children must grow up, brave and sure, or dependent and waiting for the world to save them from evil. It is our choice every day which path they will take. Hurray for parents who don’t follow the accepted social rules, but who actually take the time to train and educate their children to be functioning adults. The rest deserve only pity.
Bea Jones | 1 year, 7 months ago
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