America’s Worst Mom?
Mothering without smothering.
That’s the responsible balance Lenore Skenazy was seeking when she recently allowed her 9-year-old son to ride the New York City subway alone for the first time.
As a writer for the New York Sun newspaper, Skenazy penned a column about why she fully supported young Izzy’s desire to undertake his solo ride-of-passage. “Over-protectiveness is a danger in and of itself,” she wrote. “A child who thinks he can’t do anything on his own eventually can’t.”
Armed with a map, a subway fare card, and emergency cash but no cell phone, Izzy navigated the underground, transferred to a city bus, and arrived home, unescorted and unperturbed.
The kid was exhilarated.
The mother was excoriated.
“Sending your nine-year-old on the subway alone: child abuse?” begged a typical newspaper headline. A radio show caller wondered how Skenazy could give her son “a day of fun that would probably end in death.” And on the Today Show, an introduction to her was point-blank: “Is she an enlightened mom, or a really bad one?”
Bad or good, Skenazy had re-ignited an old debate about determining when a child is old enough to take on the world alone. In a follow-up newspaper column she titled “America’s Worst Mom?” Skenazy wrote, “People kept pulling me aside to say that they had been allowed to get around by themselves as kids.” But there was a dramatic generational twist. “In the next breath they admitted: They would never let their kids do the same.”
All of which prompted America’s worst mom to launch a blog called Free Range Kids, which she hopes will also launch a movement of “sane parenting.” Free Range’s mission statement gives a nod to protection—“We believe in helmets, car seats and safety belts”—but also a wink to future solo subway-riding kids: “We do NOT believe that every time school age children go outside, they need a security detail.”
Tell us what you think: What’s the responsible way to take off the training wheels and let kids go solo into their everyday world?
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Know Thy Children
I happen to be a writer, and doubt this was a “publicity stunt” – those went out in the 1950’s. These days, you never know what will connect with people or not, as values are so upside down.
My neighbor is so overprotective, her girls still hold her hand everywhere they go-at ages 12 and 14-and living in a rural community! She has an 8 foot fence in the backyard, but they never played there without her direct supervision. I don’t mean glancing out the kitchen window. She was physically there on her back porch, watching their every move without even reading a magazine, and puffing on her cigarettes, one right after another. Her second-hand smoke will get them before any bogeyman. She has crippled them to the point where I doubt they will ever leave home.
A good mother knows her children; what they can take and give; when they need space or a hug.
My oldest daughter recently praised me for knowing her younger brother so well. Everyone fears he might be gay. She shared her concerns, and I laughed, saying I would be fine if he was, but I know he’s not, and explained. Her brother is an artist who thrives on the shock value of everything he does-he likes to provoke reactions. It’s why his hair is streaked blue. Besides, I’ve accidentally seen him kissing his girlfriend, and watched him interact all his life with his father, brother, and male friends.
Skenazy knows her son. She knew he needed this experience. She let him take flight, and he soared.
If we’ve learned anything this week, it’s that planes can fall from the sky and kill you as you innocently walk on the sidewalk. A cyclone can get you while sleeping in your bed and an earthquake can take a classroom full of children in an instant.
Plan, teach, prepare, and love. Part of love knows when your child needs to let go, if only for an afternoon subway ride that gave him wings, because he had been given strong roots.
KJ Young | 1 year, 10 months ago
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amen KJ
glad someone finally said it.
I have a god sister who is only a few months younger than I am (she’s almost 24). And this child is outright pragmatically crippled. At 24, she can’t wash or comb her own hair, buy her own panties or clothes, doesn’t know what size she wears, have an intelligible phone conversation, cook anything more than noodles, operate a washer or dryer, and has a 10pm curfew. Yes, her parents feel like they won’t have to worry about her ever being raped or coming home knocked up, BUT neither is she a functioning adult in society. In my experiences, I note quite the opposite. She’s sooo naive that she doesn’t know to check her surroundings when she’s alone because she’s accustomed to being protected. She doesn’t know simple self-defense like the keys between the knuckles. It’s endearing that she’s still a virgin, but frightening that she doesn’t know anything about prophylactics or contraception. This is because her parents want to preserve her from the bad things in life and protect her. The bad part is that she’s not even mentally delayed or otherwise cognitively impaired to explain her lack of independence.
What parents like this don’t realize is that in some unforeseen and unforeseeable event of tragedy, kids like this will be rendered utterly useless.
Granted, there is a thin line between appropriate ages for certain levels of independence and just needing to learn when to cut the umbilical cord. A parent must really have a strong awareness for their child’s own security and independence and not be too judgmental for others who feel like their child is prepared for such steps. I was a latchkey kid and highly independent as a child. Cooked my first meal in 2nd grade (bacon, Belgian waffles, scrambled cheese eggs, and deer sausage). Curled my own hair by 3rd grade. Managed my own savings account and rode taxis alone by 5th grade. Bought my own clothes starting in 6th grade. My parents knew I was capable of such things and were actually grateful because it eased their own load. I, in return, was glad for the space.
Yea, there are big, bad monsters everywhere we turn, but age can’t always prepare you. Many of us commenting here also commented on the attack of the 3rd graders, and those kids were the same age as this writer’s son. We clearly underestimate our youth.
The vast majority of kids may not be able to handle such feats, but it is not fair to call these things impossibilities for all kids. It also isn’t fair to aware parents to call them “horrible” just because they want their children prepared for life, especially in this era where “life” is beginning at younger ages.
Mia | 1 year, 10 months ago
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Too Much Free Time
I am also a single parent and I don’t know where everyone else in the world is getting there free time to decipher if their neighbor or complete strangers are doing what is best for their children, because I know that I don’t have that kind of time.
I strongly believe that if you keep a roof over your child’s head, food in there stomach and love and laughter in their life, then there is no RIGHT way to raise a child. I think, we, as parents makes more mistakes then anyone could ever possibly admit. So, how can we judge the actions of others?
Take a step back and imagine you telling your child that they can not have a sleep over until they are 17 years old and someone else crucifying you for what you believe would be the best for your child. Parents, especially mothers, are very protective of the rules and guidelines they set up for their children. Any one who dares tell me how to raise my daughter has been exposed to the wrath of seven angry men. “She is my daughter and my rules are my rules.”
We all need to realize that we are put on this earth to not be the same mold and agree on every aspect of life, but as individuals who bring wonderful things to this world because of our differences. Put the 15 minutes you had to focus on the article and give your child a hug instead. The reality of life is when you can look at yourself in the mirror and know that you are doing the very best you can and being the best parent you can and your children are loved and cared for. Those are the judgmental eyes that you should keep watch for, not the angry glare of judgmental people who have no right to judge “until you have walked a mile in my shoes.”
Single Parent | 1 year, 10 months ago
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Amazed
I am honestly amazed that a parent would turn their 9 yr old child lose in the subway like that.
I realize that some children are more responsible and that some just are not. However to me it isn’t an issue of the child’s responsibility, it is an issue of the dangers around them that they are simply not yet equipped to handle.
I have four boys and there is no way I’d turn any of them lose at the age of 9 in a similar situation. If that makes me over protective then so be it.
My parents were VERY protective of my sister and I but that did NOT prevent them from teaching us responsibility or how to perform in society. You can teach those things without putting children in pointless danger.
I find it very sad that a parent would so willingly and needlessly endanger their child. I’m so glad that the little boy made it home.
Rhonnie | 1 year, 10 months ago
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Court ordered my daughter to ride the train at 5!
I was a single mom and moved with my 5 year old daughter to Gothenburg, five hours away from where my ex lived. He went to court to get a new parenting plan. The court ordered me to put my daughter on the train once a month to go and see her father in Stockholm. This trains stops at least twenty times in different towns on the way. This was in 1996 and I had to have her preschool teachers write to the court and also take her to a psychologist and get a statement before I could get the court to change the train ride to an airplane ride – five months later!
I know this was Sweden and not the U.S., but things happen anywhere and it was not that long ago. I think it is up to the parents who know their child to decide when the kids are old enough to do things like riding the subway but 9 sounds a bit too young for anyone.
Lindsay | 1 year, 10 months ago
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It's about time, keep up the good work!
I grew up with an overbearing, controlling mother, I was punished at 14 for going on a greyhound bus to a village in NY about 7-8 miles away by my self. I always loved exploring and adventure, mostly due to escape the dysfunction and abuse at home.
We live in a time where everyone is basically living in fear, and it is unfounded. The media has no jurisdiction to dictate to the masses how a family should be raised. It is none of their business, they should stick to the REAL news, and stop trying to manipulate the masses through “false” guilt.
I wish I had this woman as my mother, for she obviously knows her child, mine did not know me.
We as a society must get rid of this “BIG BROTHER” mentality, for if we do not, we are heading for BIG trouble in regards to “freedom”. I applaud this woman for her strength, and the courage to do what SHE thought was right!
Cliff Wynn | 1 year, 10 months ago
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Get a life
Mind your own business, who appointed you a judge over others? It sounds like you have a self-righteous, self appointed authority over peoples lives, if you have documented proof of your accusations, bring it forth, otherwise you are guilty of a false accusation and slander.
Cliff Wynn | 1 year, 10 months ago
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Um what?
You know, I wonder how many of these people who think this is child abuse have high school kids who can’t cook or do their own laundry. I grew up in a big city, not New York by any means, but definitely over three million people. My mother let me ride the bus and light rail “awe by my wonesum” when I was seven and nothing bad ever happened to me. I was smart enough not to wander off with strangers; I knew where the closest places like libraries; and, day cares were where I could run to if I was in trouble. All before the mass marketing of cell phones.
What on earth is wrong with you people? Why not teach children a little “Stranger Danger” instead of complaining at one of the few decent parents left in America? At least she’s teaching her children how to survive.
Lila DuPratt | 1 year, 10 months ago
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Walking on Eggshells,
Our society is losing its battle against childish adults for the very reason that children are being overly protected for too long. Kids now mostly stay home all day, don’t go outside and explore, they don’t fall and get hurt, they don’t learn to be confident in their abilities to do things for themselves. A nine year old is perfectly capable of going on a subway even in “scary” New York. If children aren’t given responsibility early and exposed to what the possible dangers are out there, they will be reckless teenagers and complacent adults.
I congratulate her in her attempt at taking away the mystery of riding the subway alone, now she can better explain the dangers to him without it being all theoretical. He will take risks but those risks will be more informed risks. The instinct to survive has to be cultivated not suppressed, and in our society today, we are teaching our children that it’s better to just exist than it is to actually LIVE. Living in fear is a way to exploit people, and we are being exploited by being made to believe that we live in a world where only horrible things are happening, or waiting to happen to you if you take any risk.
Now if the Subway had more 9 and 10 year olds riding it, more adults will think it’s safe to actually commute on the subway. We stopped children from being a part of society and now we are too afraid to reintroduce them back into mainstream society.
Shay | 1 year, 10 months ago
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Re: Walking...
I love it – espec the part about: “…losing [our] battle against childish adults…”. Very apt and very costly.
The kids who play video games all day and don’t get out and explore are headed to roles best described as ‘spear holders in someone else’s play’. Today’s ‘explorers’ will be tomorrow’s ‘playwrites’.
Bill L | 1 year, 10 months ago
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