Posted on May 8, 2008 by Kathy McManus in All, Children, Parenting Comments (13)
America’s Worst Mom?
Mothering without smothering.
That’s the responsible balance Lenore Skenazy was seeking when she recently allowed her 9-year-old son to ride the New York City subway alone for the first time.
As a writer for the New York Sun newspaper, Skenazy penned a column about why she fully supported young Izzy’s desire to undertake his solo ride-of-passage. “Over-protectiveness is a danger in and of itself,” she wrote. “A child who thinks he can’t do anything on his own eventually can’t.”
Armed with a map, a subway fare card, and emergency cash but no cell phone, Izzy navigated the underground, transferred to a city bus, and arrived home, unescorted and unperturbed.
The kid was exhilarated.
The mother was excoriated.
“Sending your nine-year-old on the subway alone: child abuse?” begged a typical newspaper headline. A radio show caller wondered how Skenazy could give her son “a day of fun that would probably end in death.” And on the Today Show, an introduction to her was point-blank: “Is she an enlightened mom, or a really bad one?”
Bad or good, Skenazy had re-ignited an old debate about determining when a child is old enough to take on the world alone. In a follow-up newspaper column she titled “America’s Worst Mom?” Skenazy wrote, “People kept pulling me aside to say that they had been allowed to get around by themselves as kids.” But there was a dramatic generational twist. “In the next breath they admitted: They would never let their kids do the same.”
All of which prompted America’s worst mom to launch a blog called Free Range Kids, which she hopes will also launch a movement of “sane parenting.” Free Range’s mission statement gives a nod to protection—“We believe in helmets, car seats and safety belts”—but also a wink to future solo subway-riding kids: “We do NOT believe that every time school age children go outside, they need a security detail.”
Tell us what you think: What’s the responsible way to take off the training wheels and let kids go solo into their everyday world?
Comments (13)
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She’s a writer and in my opinion she’s just getting the attention she needs. Second her “over-protection” blurb and “a child who thinks he can’t do anything” blurb, well they are very poor excuses. She just should of said, “ I just wanted to see if my son could do this” or something simple. She also forgot to arm him with pepper spray in case he needed it. Personally I think he had help which I would want to help him along his way if I could. Point being, she wanted attention and got it. This story just doesn’t do anything for me. She can send her child out on a round trip around the world for all I care; this story doesn’t need the attention.
Single moms and bad moms
Teaching kids the right way and communicating with them is important: not trying to be buddies, but setting rules and morals. That’s why parents, usually single ones, are accused of abuse. I’m a single mom and have had similar situation. I couldn’t be at work and at home with my boys making sure they were protected, or paying daycare or family, etc. Single parents, I anyway, can’t do it all! She was trying to teach kid to be responsible enough so she could cope. I live in town where we are judged all time. I’m not the Beaver Cleaver mother. I’m pulling my hair out. But, I feel I’ve done right with my boys. I’ve lived by the golden rule and have tried to teach them that. When everybody is telling them I’m bad because I don’t take them to movies or playgroups, then what do you do? Just keep on doing. I believe in myself and I know what is right and wrong. Sometimes life is the pits and I go day by day. I applaud the mom for teaching what she knows she must do to survive.
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The woman is a writer for the New York Sun paper, she’s looking for attention, probably that of a boss. Plain and simple, she used her son. I don’t care that she was teaching him something. She used him for publicity.
5 steps behind...
I would have been 5 steps behind my child at all times because too many things could happen… If he was older and with a friend, it wouldn’t be so bad to let him go on the adventure (with a cell phone) for a short time. It’s an exaggeration to call her the world’s worst mom, but it’s also horrible that she exploited the experience in the newspaper like that.
Lucky
That woman is just lucky (and so is her son) that he came home safe. He was only 9 years old. Much too young and defenseless for the situation he was put into. The ending to that story could have tragically gone the other way.
publicity stunt
I think there are 2 issues here. The first is the event in question. I think it’s quite obvious to most that it was a publicity stunt, and I don’t wish to engage it. The second issue is the idea that people (not just parents) think that blanket policies work for all children. We love creating “Zero Intelligence” (aka: “Zero Tolerance”) to compensate for ineptitude in those with responsibility. It is impossible to decide whether “some nine year old” is capable of riding a subway alone. There are plenty of nine year olds who can handle the responsibility. Most probably cannot and should not, but you must not use the least common denominator as your indicator. I know people who are geniuses at programming, but do not possess the social prowess to handle a solo subway ride. The only thing that can result from casting judgment on children you have never met is mediocrity. Well, that’s if anybody listens to you. Most likely you will just end up angry and frustrated.
Untitled
Kudos Richard, on your comment.
Safety
All in all, if it was in the middle of the day even in New York City, the kid was pretty safe. People in general look out for each other. And people especially look out for kids. If he had gotten in trouble, someone would have helped him. As long as he’s old enough to know to stick to the travel system and not go down any alleys, he’ll be fine. The people who hurt other people, especially the people who hurt children, are a small minority in this society. We focus so much attention on them that it seems that our children are always in danger when really it’s the other way around.
Context is all Important
Lenore Skenazy has a special kid and she’s a special mom. She recognized that her son was ready, kept her ‘mothering instinct’ in check and had the skills to share her experience. Kudos to Lenore and to her adventurous son. Maybe he’ll pick up where Howard Roark & John Galt left off —
We let son travel alone on AMTRAK (VA-to-NC and return) but would be cautious about turning him loose as a 9 year old alone on the NYC subway given that he grew up in the relatively benign Virginia.
Just concerned for his safety
I wasn’t making a judgment on whether 9 year olds are clever or not. I’m just saying (in my own personal opinion) that he was too young, and physically not big enough to get himself out of a potentially dangerous situation. Yes, there are a lot of good people out there, but there are enough stories in the news that indicate that there are a lot of people that do not have good intentions. Better safe than sorry. Bottom line, I’m glad his adventure ended well.
Know Thy Children
I happen to be a writer, and doubt this was a “publicity stunt” – those went out in the 1950’s. These days, you never know what will connect with people or not, as values are so upside down.
My neighbor is so overprotective, her girls still hold her hand everywhere they go-at ages 12 and 14-and living in a rural community! She has an 8 foot fence in the backyard, but they never played there without her direct supervision. I don’t mean glancing out the kitchen window. She was physically there on her back porch, watching their every move without even reading a magazine, and puffing on her cigarettes, one right after another. Her second-hand smoke will get them before any bogeyman. She has crippled them to the point where I doubt they will ever leave home.
A good mother knows her children; what they can take and give; when they need space or a hug.
My oldest daughter recently praised me for knowing her younger brother so well. Everyone fears he might be gay. She shared her concerns, and I laughed, saying I would be fine if he was, but I know he’s not, and explained. Her brother is an artist who thrives on the shock value of everything he does-he likes to provoke reactions. It’s why his hair is streaked blue. Besides, I’ve accidentally seen him kissing his girlfriend, and watched him interact all his life with his father, brother, and male friends.
Skenazy knows her son. She knew he needed this experience. She let him take flight, and he soared.
If we’ve learned anything this week, it’s that planes can fall from the sky and kill you as you innocently walk on the sidewalk. A cyclone can get you while sleeping in your bed and an earthquake can take a classroom full of children in an instant.
Plan, teach, prepare, and love. Part of love knows when your child needs to let go, if only for an afternoon subway ride that gave him wings, because he had been given strong roots.
amen KJ
glad someone finally said it.
I have a god sister who is only a few months younger than I am (she’s almost 24). And this child is outright pragmatically crippled. At 24, she can’t wash or comb her own hair, buy her own panties or clothes, doesn’t know what size she wears, have an intelligible phone conversation, cook anything more than noodles, operate a washer or dryer, and has a 10pm curfew. Yes, her parents feel like they won’t have to worry about her ever being raped or coming home knocked up, BUT neither is she a functioning adult in society. In my experiences, I note quite the opposite. She’s sooo naive that she doesn’t know to check her surroundings when she’s alone because she’s accustomed to being protected. She doesn’t know simple self-defense like the keys between the knuckles. It’s endearing that she’s still a virgin, but frightening that she doesn’t know anything about prophylactics or contraception. This is because her parents want to preserve her from the bad things in life and protect her. The bad part is that she’s not even mentally delayed or otherwise cognitively impaired to explain her lack of independence.
What parents like this don’t realize is that in some unforeseen and unforeseeable event of tragedy, kids like this will be rendered utterly useless.
Granted, there is a thin line between appropriate ages for certain levels of independence and just needing to learn when to cut the umbilical cord. A parent must really have a strong awareness for their child’s own security and independence and not be too judgmental for others who feel like their child is prepared for such steps. I was a latchkey kid and highly independent as a child. Cooked my first meal in 2nd grade (bacon, Belgian waffles, scrambled cheese eggs, and deer sausage). Curled my own hair by 3rd grade. Managed my own savings account and rode taxis alone by 5th grade. Bought my own clothes starting in 6th grade. My parents knew I was capable of such things and were actually grateful because it eased their own load. I, in return, was glad for the space.
Yea, there are big, bad monsters everywhere we turn, but age can’t always prepare you. Many of us commenting here also commented on the attack of the 3rd graders, and those kids were the same age as this writer’s son. We clearly underestimate our youth.
The vast majority of kids may not be able to handle such feats, but it is not fair to call these things impossibilities for all kids. It also isn’t fair to aware parents to call them “horrible” just because they want their children prepared for life, especially in this era where “life” is beginning at younger ages.
Too Much Free Time
I am also a single parent and I don’t know where everyone else in the world is getting there free time to decipher if their neighbor or complete strangers are doing what is best for their children, because I know that I don’t have that kind of time.
I strongly believe that if you keep a roof over your child’s head, food in there stomach and love and laughter in their life, then there is no RIGHT way to raise a child. I think, we, as parents makes more mistakes then anyone could ever possibly admit. So, how can we judge the actions of others?
Take a step back and imagine you telling your child that they can not have a sleep over until they are 17 years old and someone else crucifying you for what you believe would be the best for your child. Parents, especially mothers, are very protective of the rules and guidelines they set up for their children. Any one who dares tell me how to raise my daughter has been exposed to the wrath of seven angry men. “She is my daughter and my rules are my rules.”
We all need to realize that we are put on this earth to not be the same mold and agree on every aspect of life, but as individuals who bring wonderful things to this world because of our differences. Put the 15 minutes you had to focus on the article and give your child a hug instead. The reality of life is when you can look at yourself in the mirror and know that you are doing the very best you can and being the best parent you can and your children are loved and cared for. Those are the judgmental eyes that you should keep watch for, not the angry glare of judgmental people who have no right to judge “until you have walked a mile in my shoes.”