Posted on May 8, 2008 by Kathy McManus in All, Children, Parenting Comments (36)
America’s Worst Mom?
Mothering without smothering.
That’s the responsible balance Lenore Skenazy was seeking when she recently allowed her 9-year-old son to ride the New York City subway alone for the first time.
As a writer for the New York Sun newspaper, Skenazy penned a column about why she fully supported young Izzy’s desire to undertake his solo ride-of-passage. “Over-protectiveness is a danger in and of itself,” she wrote. “A child who thinks he can’t do anything on his own eventually can’t.”
Armed with a map, a subway fare card, and emergency cash but no cell phone, Izzy navigated the underground, transferred to a city bus, and arrived home, unescorted and unperturbed.
The kid was exhilarated.
The mother was excoriated.
“Sending your nine-year-old on the subway alone: child abuse?” begged a typical newspaper headline. A radio show caller wondered how Skenazy could give her son “a day of fun that would probably end in death.” And on the Today Show, an introduction to her was point-blank: “Is she an enlightened mom, or a really bad one?”
Bad or good, Skenazy had re-ignited an old debate about determining when a child is old enough to take on the world alone. In a follow-up newspaper column she titled “America’s Worst Mom?” Skenazy wrote, “People kept pulling me aside to say that they had been allowed to get around by themselves as kids.” But there was a dramatic generational twist. “In the next breath they admitted: They would never let their kids do the same.”
All of which prompted America’s worst mom to launch a blog called Free Range Kids, which she hopes will also launch a movement of “sane parenting.” Free Range’s mission statement gives a nod to protection—“We believe in helmets, car seats and safety belts”—but also a wink to future solo subway-riding kids: “We do NOT believe that every time school age children go outside, they need a security detail.”
Tell us what you think: What’s the responsible way to take off the training wheels and let kids go solo into their everyday world?
Comments (36)
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Untitled
She’s a writer and in my opinion she’s just getting the attention she needs. Second her “over-protection” blurb and “a child who thinks he can’t do anything” blurb, well they are very poor excuses. She just should of said, “ I just wanted to see if my son could do this” or something simple. She also forgot to arm him with pepper spray in case he needed it. Personally I think he had help which I would want to help him along his way if I could. Point being, she wanted attention and got it. This story just doesn’t do anything for me. She can send her child out on a round trip around the world for all I care; this story doesn’t need the attention.
Single moms and bad moms
Teaching kids the right way and communicating with them is important: not trying to be buddies, but setting rules and morals. That’s why parents, usually single ones, are accused of abuse. I’m a single mom and have had similar situation. I couldn’t be at work and at home with my boys making sure they were protected, or paying daycare or family, etc. Single parents, I anyway, can’t do it all! She was trying to teach kid to be responsible enough so she could cope. I live in town where we are judged all time. I’m not the Beaver Cleaver mother. I’m pulling my hair out. But, I feel I’ve done right with my boys. I’ve lived by the golden rule and have tried to teach them that. When everybody is telling them I’m bad because I don’t take them to movies or playgroups, then what do you do? Just keep on doing. I believe in myself and I know what is right and wrong. Sometimes life is the pits and I go day by day. I applaud the mom for teaching what she knows she must do to survive.
Untitled
The woman is a writer for the New York Sun paper, she’s looking for attention, probably that of a boss. Plain and simple, she used her son. I don’t care that she was teaching him something. She used him for publicity.
Get a life
Mind your own business, who appointed you a judge over others? It sounds like you have a self-righteous, self appointed authority over peoples lives, if you have documented proof of your accusations, bring it forth, otherwise you are guilty of a false accusation and slander.
5 steps behind...
I would have been 5 steps behind my child at all times because too many things could happen… If he was older and with a friend, it wouldn’t be so bad to let him go on the adventure (with a cell phone) for a short time. It’s an exaggeration to call her the world’s worst mom, but it’s also horrible that she exploited the experience in the newspaper like that.
Lucky
That woman is just lucky (and so is her son) that he came home safe. He was only 9 years old. Much too young and defenseless for the situation he was put into. The ending to that story could have tragically gone the other way.
publicity stunt
I think there are 2 issues here. The first is the event in question. I think it’s quite obvious to most that it was a publicity stunt, and I don’t wish to engage it. The second issue is the idea that people (not just parents) think that blanket policies work for all children. We love creating “Zero Intelligence” (aka: “Zero Tolerance”) to compensate for ineptitude in those with responsibility. It is impossible to decide whether “some nine year old” is capable of riding a subway alone. There are plenty of nine year olds who can handle the responsibility. Most probably cannot and should not, but you must not use the least common denominator as your indicator. I know people who are geniuses at programming, but do not possess the social prowess to handle a solo subway ride. The only thing that can result from casting judgment on children you have never met is mediocrity. Well, that’s if anybody listens to you. Most likely you will just end up angry and frustrated.
Untitled
Kudos Richard, on your comment.
Safety
All in all, if it was in the middle of the day even in New York City, the kid was pretty safe. People in general look out for each other. And people especially look out for kids. If he had gotten in trouble, someone would have helped him. As long as he’s old enough to know to stick to the travel system and not go down any alleys, he’ll be fine. The people who hurt other people, especially the people who hurt children, are a small minority in this society. We focus so much attention on them that it seems that our children are always in danger when really it’s the other way around.
Context is all Important
Lenore Skenazy has a special kid and she’s a special mom. She recognized that her son was ready, kept her ‘mothering instinct’ in check and had the skills to share her experience. Kudos to Lenore and to her adventurous son. Maybe he’ll pick up where Howard Roark & John Galt left off —
We let son travel alone on AMTRAK (VA-to-NC and return) but would be cautious about turning him loose as a 9 year old alone on the NYC subway given that he grew up in the relatively benign Virginia.
Just concerned for his safety
I wasn’t making a judgment on whether 9 year olds are clever or not. I’m just saying (in my own personal opinion) that he was too young, and physically not big enough to get himself out of a potentially dangerous situation. Yes, there are a lot of good people out there, but there are enough stories in the news that indicate that there are a lot of people that do not have good intentions. Better safe than sorry. Bottom line, I’m glad his adventure ended well.
Know Thy Children
I happen to be a writer, and doubt this was a “publicity stunt” – those went out in the 1950’s. These days, you never know what will connect with people or not, as values are so upside down.
My neighbor is so overprotective, her girls still hold her hand everywhere they go-at ages 12 and 14-and living in a rural community! She has an 8 foot fence in the backyard, but they never played there without her direct supervision. I don’t mean glancing out the kitchen window. She was physically there on her back porch, watching their every move without even reading a magazine, and puffing on her cigarettes, one right after another. Her second-hand smoke will get them before any bogeyman. She has crippled them to the point where I doubt they will ever leave home.
A good mother knows her children; what they can take and give; when they need space or a hug.
My oldest daughter recently praised me for knowing her younger brother so well. Everyone fears he might be gay. She shared her concerns, and I laughed, saying I would be fine if he was, but I know he’s not, and explained. Her brother is an artist who thrives on the shock value of everything he does-he likes to provoke reactions. It’s why his hair is streaked blue. Besides, I’ve accidentally seen him kissing his girlfriend, and watched him interact all his life with his father, brother, and male friends.
Skenazy knows her son. She knew he needed this experience. She let him take flight, and he soared.
If we’ve learned anything this week, it’s that planes can fall from the sky and kill you as you innocently walk on the sidewalk. A cyclone can get you while sleeping in your bed and an earthquake can take a classroom full of children in an instant.
Plan, teach, prepare, and love. Part of love knows when your child needs to let go, if only for an afternoon subway ride that gave him wings, because he had been given strong roots.
amen KJ
glad someone finally said it.
I have a god sister who is only a few months younger than I am (she’s almost 24). And this child is outright pragmatically crippled. At 24, she can’t wash or comb her own hair, buy her own panties or clothes, doesn’t know what size she wears, have an intelligible phone conversation, cook anything more than noodles, operate a washer or dryer, and has a 10pm curfew. Yes, her parents feel like they won’t have to worry about her ever being raped or coming home knocked up, BUT neither is she a functioning adult in society. In my experiences, I note quite the opposite. She’s sooo naive that she doesn’t know to check her surroundings when she’s alone because she’s accustomed to being protected. She doesn’t know simple self-defense like the keys between the knuckles. It’s endearing that she’s still a virgin, but frightening that she doesn’t know anything about prophylactics or contraception. This is because her parents want to preserve her from the bad things in life and protect her. The bad part is that she’s not even mentally delayed or otherwise cognitively impaired to explain her lack of independence.
What parents like this don’t realize is that in some unforeseen and unforeseeable event of tragedy, kids like this will be rendered utterly useless.
Granted, there is a thin line between appropriate ages for certain levels of independence and just needing to learn when to cut the umbilical cord. A parent must really have a strong awareness for their child’s own security and independence and not be too judgmental for others who feel like their child is prepared for such steps. I was a latchkey kid and highly independent as a child. Cooked my first meal in 2nd grade (bacon, Belgian waffles, scrambled cheese eggs, and deer sausage). Curled my own hair by 3rd grade. Managed my own savings account and rode taxis alone by 5th grade. Bought my own clothes starting in 6th grade. My parents knew I was capable of such things and were actually grateful because it eased their own load. I, in return, was glad for the space.
Yea, there are big, bad monsters everywhere we turn, but age can’t always prepare you. Many of us commenting here also commented on the attack of the 3rd graders, and those kids were the same age as this writer’s son. We clearly underestimate our youth.
The vast majority of kids may not be able to handle such feats, but it is not fair to call these things impossibilities for all kids. It also isn’t fair to aware parents to call them “horrible” just because they want their children prepared for life, especially in this era where “life” is beginning at younger ages.
Too Much Free Time
I am also a single parent and I don’t know where everyone else in the world is getting there free time to decipher if their neighbor or complete strangers are doing what is best for their children, because I know that I don’t have that kind of time.
I strongly believe that if you keep a roof over your child’s head, food in there stomach and love and laughter in their life, then there is no RIGHT way to raise a child. I think, we, as parents makes more mistakes then anyone could ever possibly admit. So, how can we judge the actions of others?
Take a step back and imagine you telling your child that they can not have a sleep over until they are 17 years old and someone else crucifying you for what you believe would be the best for your child. Parents, especially mothers, are very protective of the rules and guidelines they set up for their children. Any one who dares tell me how to raise my daughter has been exposed to the wrath of seven angry men. “She is my daughter and my rules are my rules.”
We all need to realize that we are put on this earth to not be the same mold and agree on every aspect of life, but as individuals who bring wonderful things to this world because of our differences. Put the 15 minutes you had to focus on the article and give your child a hug instead. The reality of life is when you can look at yourself in the mirror and know that you are doing the very best you can and being the best parent you can and your children are loved and cared for. Those are the judgmental eyes that you should keep watch for, not the angry glare of judgmental people who have no right to judge “until you have walked a mile in my shoes.”
Untitled
Thank you single parent, when I was reading these posts first thing I thought of was the gossip and self-righteous attitudes that others are displaying in regards to their neighbors. It doesn’t matter what we think is overprotecting or not and personally just because that 24 year old woman can’t comb her hair which I doubt is even true and I have a feeling there is something mentally wrong with the woman, doesn’t mean she doesn’t have anything of worth to offer to society. As long as your children are fed, happy, and by no means is any child/Adult 100% incapable of taking care of themselves there is something we all can do for ourselves even if it’s the bare minimal of taking a breath
Untitled
I never said she didn’t have worth because all humans do. And she is definitely cognitively capable to function as an adult, but she does not because her parents have made her afraid of everything and limited her life experiences (which are the main avenue by which we learn). Her comfort level is functioning as a CHILD, i.e. letting everyone do everything for her and protecting her from the world without any effort on her behalf.
If she can get through grad school with a degree in Information Technology, then I would wager that she has the mind capacity for society. She cannot get a job, however, because she’s still afraid to talk to strangers and never makes it through an interview. Hence why I said she is “pragmatically crippled”. Yes, her mother does everything for her because her mother HAS to feel needed.
In this day and time, a newborn baby can breath but that does not equate taking care of oneself. That’s the whole point of this particular blog. Breathing is not living anymore than tying shoelaces is the same as putting shoes on one’s feet.
I was simply shedding light on the fact that age is not always an accurate indicator to maturity and societal readiness. Some people are ready for the world at young ages like the son in this article and some people get there much later, but it’s impossible to peg an exact age. It would be narrow-minded and self-righteous to do such a thing.
Amazed
I am honestly amazed that a parent would turn their 9 yr old child lose in the subway like that.
I realize that some children are more responsible and that some just are not. However to me it isn’t an issue of the child’s responsibility, it is an issue of the dangers around them that they are simply not yet equipped to handle.
I have four boys and there is no way I’d turn any of them lose at the age of 9 in a similar situation. If that makes me over protective then so be it.
My parents were VERY protective of my sister and I but that did NOT prevent them from teaching us responsibility or how to perform in society. You can teach those things without putting children in pointless danger.
I find it very sad that a parent would so willingly and needlessly endanger their child. I’m so glad that the little boy made it home.
Court ordered my daughter to ride the train at 5!
I was a single mom and moved with my 5 year old daughter to Gothenburg, five hours away from where my ex lived. He went to court to get a new parenting plan. The court ordered me to put my daughter on the train once a month to go and see her father in Stockholm. This trains stops at least twenty times in different towns on the way. This was in 1996 and I had to have her preschool teachers write to the court and also take her to a psychologist and get a statement before I could get the court to change the train ride to an airplane ride – five months later!
I know this was Sweden and not the U.S., but things happen anywhere and it was not that long ago. I think it is up to the parents who know their child to decide when the kids are old enough to do things like riding the subway but 9 sounds a bit too young for anyone.
It's about time, keep up the good work!
I grew up with an overbearing, controlling mother, I was punished at 14 for going on a greyhound bus to a village in NY about 7-8 miles away by my self. I always loved exploring and adventure, mostly due to escape the dysfunction and abuse at home. We live in a time where everyone is basically living in fear, and it is unfounded. The media has no jurisdiction to dictate to the masses how a family should be raised. It is none of their business, they should stick to the REAL news, and stop trying to manipulate the masses through “false” guilt.
I wish I had this woman as my mother, for she obviously knows her child, mine did not know me. We as a society must get rid of this “BIG BROTHER” mentality, for if we do not, we are heading for BIG trouble in regards to “freedom”. I applaud this woman for her strength, and the courage to do what SHE thought was right!
Um what?
You know, I wonder how many of these people who think this is child abuse have high school kids who can’t cook or do their own laundry. I grew up in a big city, not New York by any means, but definitely over three million people. My mother let me ride the bus and light rail “awe by my wonesum” when I was seven and nothing bad ever happened to me. I was smart enough not to wander off with strangers; I knew where the closest places like libraries; and, day cares were where I could run to if I was in trouble. All before the mass marketing of cell phones.
What on earth is wrong with you people? Why not teach children a little “Stranger Danger” instead of complaining at one of the few decent parents left in America? At least she’s teaching her children how to survive.
Walking on Eggshells,
Our society is losing its battle against childish adults for the very reason that children are being overly protected for too long. Kids now mostly stay home all day, don’t go outside and explore, they don’t fall and get hurt, they don’t learn to be confident in their abilities to do things for themselves. A nine year old is perfectly capable of going on a subway even in “scary” New York. If children aren’t given responsibility early and exposed to what the possible dangers are out there, they will be reckless teenagers and complacent adults.
I congratulate her in her attempt at taking away the mystery of riding the subway alone, now she can better explain the dangers to him without it being all theoretical. He will take risks but those risks will be more informed risks. The instinct to survive has to be cultivated not suppressed, and in our society today, we are teaching our children that it’s better to just exist than it is to actually LIVE. Living in fear is a way to exploit people, and we are being exploited by being made to believe that we live in a world where only horrible things are happening, or waiting to happen to you if you take any risk.
Now if the Subway had more 9 and 10 year olds riding it, more adults will think it’s safe to actually commute on the subway. We stopped children from being a part of society and now we are too afraid to reintroduce them back into mainstream society.
Re: Walking...
I love it – espec the part about: “…losing [our] battle against childish adults…”. Very apt and very costly.
The kids who play video games all day and don’t get out and explore are headed to roles best described as ‘spear holders in someone else’s play’. Today’s ‘explorers’ will be tomorrow’s ‘playwrites’.
couldn't agree more
I just feel that people are so busy “dying” that they aren’t “living”. Living in fear of the possibilities is only a cop-out to merely exist, and existence isn’t real unless you accept and learn from life be it the good, the bad, or even the ugly, all of which are going to happen. As people, if we spend all our time walking on eggshells we’re never going to recognize that you have to break some eggs if you want to make an omelet.
Kids Today
Kids today are so over protected and it’s no wonder with the way the world has changed for the worse. Kids do not really know how to play or do much of anything anymore without an adult practically tied to them.
My grandson is almost 14 and I just started to allow him to go off alone with his friends. It is a sad situation but with all the sick perverts running loose we have no choice. We have created a generation of helpless and totally dependent children.
What To Do?
Over-protecting – Under-protecting: there are valid arguments on both sides. Encouraging children to be independent is great until they become victims of a crime while traveling alone. The possibility is always there. Encouragement is a necessity in child upbringing, but subways and other public areas are still dangerous for children that are alone. There are predators out there. Regret is a bitter pill to swallow and never goes away. Parents should always be there for their kids, if they can. Don’t let the false pride of being ‘progressive and modern, etc.’ override safety for your kids.
Inflammatory Title
Calling this story “America’s Worst Mom” is damning her. Frame it that way and it’s a fast track to having people see her that way. It’s a biased title, even if you meant it only as a hook to get people reading.
This title minimizes the harm done to children by mothers (and fathers) smacking their kids, withholding food and other “lessons” being taught.
Those of us who grew up taking subways, walking to school by age 7 (about a mile) and taking public transportation in a large city (father was an M.D., mom was a stay at home mother) and then raised our own kids to be independent – do not see value in helicopter parenting.
Kids wrapped in cotton wool
I grew up in England. Each week I rode the bus 8 miles by myself to ballet lessons from the age of eight. Granted it was a different time and place. Today we parent from a place of paranoia. Children need to be protected and they need our guidance, but being overly suspicious and paranoid does not help them.
A couple of years ago I visited Tokyo; anyone offended by the story of the mother in NY would be absolutely horrified to see kids as young as six navigating the Tokyo subway ALONE! I must admit I was a little taken aback; but these children are safe. Japan is a more homogeneous society and people would notice a child on the in trouble (and take action). Here we don’t notice one another or feel responsible for people beyond our own lives. That’s the REAL problem. In England there was recently some attention given to children who are taken to school by bus or car verses those who walk. The ones who walk are ultimately safer because they have more experience of pedestrian safety, contact with strangers etc., and they know what to watch out for – makes sense?
I would love to live somewhere where children are safe and have freedom to walk to school and bike to activities. (Any suggestions?) I think wrapping kids in cotton wool is doing them a huge disservice. We create a climate where we expect and to a degree accept awful things happen (at least to others.) We are not outraged enough at our kids being unsafe and having to be chaperoned everywhere. We just try to keep them in a safe bubble.
Why not...
give the kid a cell phone? That seems excessive to me. You can have a free range kid with a cell phone. I was a free range kid, on my bike from dusk until dawn but I can guarantee that if cell phones were available, I would have had one.
Know Your Kid
Hey, if she knew her son and felt he was ready (and street smart enough) for a solo excursion—be it NYC Subway or biking to small-town grocery—she had every right to let him do that. All kids are different, and mature at different rates in different ways.
Have to admit, I’d want mine to have a cell along though….
Birds have to fly at some time
I grew up in a small town where a couple of thousand mental patients lived south of town. Often they came to town walked around freely and stopped to rest at my grandfather and father’s business. Initial fear was offset by time and learning that they, like others, wanted merely to be treated kindly. Offer of a drink, shade of a tree on a summer day.
My parents were always concerned but not overly protective. I rode my bike to school on a US highway that was a major truck route by the elementary school. Many would say a simpler time, but truthfully we had as many idiots on the road then as we do now. Mom worried, but she allowed that sense of freedom in all of us. I look back and can say in part her allowing us to “fly” is why my brothers and sisters are self-reliant, confident and not afraid of life and what’s around the corner.
America’s Best Mom
Children have to be able to think and get out of trouble. They should be taught to watch and look for safe zones. This can not be taught in school or home. It has to be felt from a gut level. True, there are many unsafe areas out there. So do we hide our children from it? Then they can learn the hard way, by themselves, when they are afraid to go out. My oldest daughter was in Georgia a few weeks ago. She was raised in Calif. and did not get the education of the streets. Her mother babied her and taught her that she could say anything she felt. Well the Georgia Sheriff didn’t see it that way. She almost went to jail for her smart mouth. She was right, but, didn’t know when to be right and silent. We have to let our kids grow and learn if they are to be adults. My daughter learned a lesson at 32. She should have learned that lesson at 8 or 9. People please unplug the game and turn off the TV. Get your kids out and let them live. You might have to get off the couch and be a parent. That is what you signed up for.
Freedom Should...
Freedom should start for a Child at least by the age of 13, but at 9 years old? Thats way too young. And especially In New York, the little boy could have died of something and could really have happened to him and she would have to deal with that guilt for the rest of her life.
RE: "Freedom Should"
“To each [her] own,” Andrea. As a 19 yo1 with personal history still awfully fresh on my mind though, I’d encourage you strongly to prepare your children for freedom WAY before the age of 13! It’s up to each parent to decide when his/her child is ready for freedom…don’t do it too soon or too late per child’s maturity level. You’ll kill the child’s spirit, and that will cripple the child for life. As for the 9-year-old dying, I’m sure that’s a cost this American mom figured in—I guess that would be her responsibility. :-) Kudos to Purelabor!
RE: "Freedom Should..."
In addition to considering the child’s maturity level those of us outside NYC should also consider that NYC is an environment unto itself. Kids there grow up faster in some ways than kids raised in a more benign environment. They more aware. Take your kids on their first trip there and watch the transformation in them. After a week in the City they won’t ever be the same. I rode my bicycle on the streets of Manhattan and within the first hour or so I developed 360 degree ‘radar’
NO WAY!!!
I would not let that happen if I had a son, cause I don’t want anything to happen to him. I will at least have something more interesting to do like take him out to go have fun with his friends. Or, find somewhere he really likes to go or buy him something good to have fun with.
Reasonable Solution
It’s easy enough to shadow a youngster and let them take the lead to learn and feel in control. Animals always keep a protective eye on their babies while in the training phase to keep them from being taken by predators of their species. Watch the animals to learn something about responsible parenting. It’s all about survival of the species. This is not an either/or decision. A smart woman such as this may need to do some thinking outside the box.