The Responsibility Project^®. Exploring what it means to do the right thing

House Arrest: Calling the Cops on Your Kids

149 Comments

April 28, 2009 by Kathy McManus

149 Comments

What do you think? Leave a comment

• April 28, 2009 by Joe Lawson

  My parents never had me arrested, but they did allow me to have an overnighter in the city jail to rethink my priorities. It certainly changed my attitude and I never went back. Now I've been a UMC pastor for 19 years and I've seen a number of parents do the same thing and more -- to even call the cops to come and pick up their teenagers and take them to jail. It's always been after the kids repeatedly got into trouble and after repeated pleading by the parents and confrontations over additional problems. It doesn't always produce the desired results. I know of a few who are still in jail because they wouldn't learn and committed additional and more serious infractions of the law. But in the other cases, there was always at least partial success and most of them produced very good results. So yes, I'm in favor of parents' use of the police and legal system as resources when their children won't respond to lesser methods of changing their behavior. And to anyone who thinks that police intervention is too harsh, consider this: If we really love our children, shouldn't we be willing to do almost anything possible to help them to outgrow the craziness of their teenage years? And if tender love fails, then we should turn to tough love as may be necessary.

  Reply

  • June 20, 2009 by Ruth Moody

    I have raised my 3 children and am a great grandmother. I could have not have reared my children the way the laws are today as I am only 4'11" and could put fear in them when not complying with family rules. Note: I have great, law abiding, tax paying, community give back, neat and clean children who are not namby pambies. And they are good to me and others, including animals. If I had to have the authorities come to my house for any law breaking I could not handle I certainly would have called on this help for what else can you do? They knew what consequences I could and would carry out. You have to be strong and there are too many bleeding hearts that can't comply with that. Visit my web site for a blog that I applied to my life.

    Reply

  • October 14, 2009 by Kadey

    I read what you have written. I am currently in the middle of a teenage melt down. My 14 year old step daughter who has a history of mental health issues, had the worst anger outburst I have ever seen in my life. It all started over homework. She became violent and started punching her father. I attempted to restain her in in effort to keep the sitution from exculating out of hand (any more than she had already made it). No sucess on my part after all she stands 6 inches higher and over 100 lbs heavier than me. Long story short this got to the point she threatened a seven month pregnant friend to kick her butt and that is when I had enough. I no longer felt safe or that my other 4 children where safe and removed us from the home. I instructed my husband to call the police to get her in an ambulance. The end result, he did not. There was a domestic abuse case opened at school the next day and an investigation lead to us being found not to have caused abuse but we could have charged her. We went to her Doctor after wards. She instructed us to up her meds and take her to St. Cloud Hospital. They concluded that she was not at risk for mental health inpatient hostpitalization. The hostpital doctor concluded it was behavioral and if her anger continued to call the police. It did in fact continue her profanity and verbal abuse started to exculate in the car. Her father instructed her that she could go straight to her room once home to calm down. She choose to run away as soon as the vehicle stopped. The police were contacted. We were to wait until 10 to file a report if she did not return. She was found just before than and brought home by the police. Someone had reported her sleeping in a business lawn. Nothing has been discussed with her further yet, but I don't even know how to deal with this. My concern is for my safety and my childrens safety. If she can't control her anger what options do I have?

    Reply

• April 29, 2009 by Kate Montclair

  If a parent is afraid that their child is violent or wants the child arrested in their own best interest (i.e. - to get them into rehab because they are a junkie) then they should call the police. If they just want someone to talk to their child because they are not effective parents, then they should not be wasting anyone's time by requiring arrests with no intention of pressing charges. Some family therapy or parenting classes would work better in that case.

  Reply

  • February 7, 2010 by ksmith

    wow, are you a parent, because not all kids are easy to deal with and it is not necessarily the parents fault. Some kids have mental problems and before you shoot off your mouth about parents needing to be more effective try being in their shoes since you think you are so damn great!

    Reply

    • July 11, 2010 by Paul Woodford

      You seem to have missed the point of this post. The point is that wasting police time is never acceptable, regardless or whether being a parent makes you feel entitled to special treatment. All of the examples in the article above involve parents using police resources to parent their children. Having the police arrest your child for grand theft auto and then deciding that "a weekend in juvenile hall" will make a good punishment or getting the police to handcuff you child and give them a talking to is a gross misuse of taxpayer money.

      Speaking as someone who is a taxpayer but is not a parent, you may not use our police force in this fashion.

• April 29, 2009 by Hilarie Williams

  If the parent thinks the child/teen could be a danger to themselves or others, then the police should be involved. As taxpayers, we employ the police to protect and to serve our communities. In the involvement with our youth, the Police are serving the parent's need for help and child's need for authority/ discipline. They are also protecting the child from harming themselves/others by the offense and the citizens within the community. Sometimes it takes a village. Parents, recognize that all children/teens need and want guidance. If there is an area where you lack strength, by all means involve the police. Parents who feel this is too far, may be too lenient. To those I say "watch out!" If you take your child out of the picture, would you want to see someone else's child getting away with the same offense? Allowing or excusing this socially risky/ questionable behavior will only create a delusion for the child/ teen; sending the message that what they are doing is not so bad or even acceptable. Responsibility for actions may be a lesson of tough love, but it is a lesson we all must learn.

  Reply

• April 29, 2009 by John

  Once my mother threatened to call the cops on my brother cause he stole a stop sign. She never called the cops, but I remember my brother and I were freaked out. "She wouldn't call the cops... would she?" He would have felt betrayed by our mom, while she would have been right in the law's eyes. He returned the sign and that was that.

  Reply

  • May 12, 2009 by April

    I'm curious...where is your brother now?

    Reply

  • June 21, 2009 by julia c anderson

    Kudos! Wonderful!

    Reply

  • November 5, 2009 by Miriam Pia

    The most significant fact here is that the son returned the STOP sign.

    Reply

• April 29, 2009 by Tammy

  I believe in strictness. I have always told my kids if they get caught doing something that they're not suppose to do, they will do the time. It is stuck in there minds and I have never bailed them out. This has taught them good lessens in life. You do the crime you do the time.

  Reply

• April 29, 2009 by sandra zeringue

  My son is 17 and believes he can do whatever he wants because children were always taught about child abuse, so I never spanked my children. Now that he is older and much larger than I, what can I do to show him real discipline does exist in the real world.

  Reply

  • May 5, 2009 by Rui Silva

    If you are afraid of your child, then you've lost the battle. You can't show him real discipline because he already knows you fear him. What you can do is cut him off. If you are feeding him money, stop. If you are washing his clothes, cleaning his room, etc., stop. If he gets out of control, call the authorities and have him removed. Will this hurt you? Yes, because I'm sure you love your child. But if he doesn't learn that there is always an authority and that there are rules to live by he will have that law enforcement encounter later in life with much worse consequences. The problem with all this "time out" stuff that parents are now employing is that we are creating children that don't understand authority, consequences for their actions and are on a road to meeting up with someone that will show them a discipline that they don't understand. Not everyone they cross will be a parent, some will not put up with it and they will not recognize that some actions have dire consequences.

    Reply

  • January 14, 2010 by Ron Gallman

    You and I are in the same boat Sandra. I have a 16 year old that is uncontrollable. He will smoke pot, take pills, drink, anything to get high. I had him arrested and after 2 months in jail he was good for only a couple of weeks. He calls his mother and me terrible names and constantly lets us know how much he hates us when he doesn't get what he wants. We have searched and can find no where to put him except in jail. Jail is not the answer for him. Last time he came back worse than ever. As a matter of fact I think it was more of an education in criminal activity than anything else.Plus he caught M.E.R.S.A. While there so we have been hit with medical bills. If you find an answer PLEASE let me know. He really is a good kid at heart and is a different person when he's not getting high. But when he is high or when he is ""coming down"" life around here is hell. He has tore up our new home (punching holes in the walls and throwing things) so I have reason to have him incarcerated but they would probably keep him until he is 18, and I would lose him forever.

    Reply

    • June 27, 2010 by Michelle

      Wow-I actually thought I was reading about my own son for a minute. I too have a 17 year old son who can switch like a light going off and on at the snap of your fingers. He cusses me out, punches holes in walls, breaks things, doesn't have any respect for me at all, and just flat out doesn't listen. And he is on house arrest right now also. It has caused so many problems for the other two kids I have. I have tried so many things. I have taken him to Behavioral centers, tried to get him admitted for help but that's pretty much always about money which I don't have so I'm all out of options. I pray everyday first for his safety and that God will somehow bring him through this. He also has a 2 month old daughter and I try to tell him that he needs to get his life back on track for her also because she deserves to have a good life. Please pray for him as well as all the kids on here. The devil is trying so hard to tear down as many young people as he can. God is my provider and I know somehow He will work it out.

• April 29, 2009 by Pattie Morgan

  If parents truly love their child, the parent will call the police when the child commits a crime. It's about teaching the child there are consequences to their actions. I agree with what Hilarie wrote "Allowing or excusing this socially risky/ questionable behavior will only create a delusion for the child/ teen; sending the message that what they are doing is not so bad or even acceptable." By the same token, we need to reinforce positive behavior by acknowledging it and praising the child.

  Reply

• April 29, 2009 by Sharhonda Carpenter

  Calling the police was a good idea, it doesn't matter how good of a parent you are, how patient you are, sometimes the parent is the last person a teenager wants to listen to. Getting the police involved shows it's bigger then the child and their parents. You can't go around breaking the laws and think there won't be any consequences

  Reply

  • February 24, 2010 by Brent Allen Spencer

    I watch people of many ages trying to experience "real life" which they equate with a certain freedom they feel mature adults have (what they hope to become), when really they want freedom from consequences for any choice they may justify making, whereas truly mature adults have learned to make responsibility, principles, rules and consequences work in their favor yielding what appears to be much freedom, indeed. That can certainly make the end result look all rosy when the trek made to the observed freedom is not apparent. Children are impressionable, but they are not all impressionable the same way. Some of them may need some hard reality handed to them, especially when they may be thinking they can be smarter than the rules. I always say that every rule has an exception, but when the exception becomes the norm, then the rule is pointless, and young, impressionable minds seeking their freedom will jump at the challenge to live a life of exception. Thus it goes both ways, the way I see it: parenting can have some of the blame, but also some youth just won't get it with good parenting. I side with the notion that sometimes a public justice system hits home more effectively than a parental one, but the public justice system has enough on its plate already; wisdom should be used, and safety and rationalism should be considered. Public justice as the parent's choice should be the absolute last resort, but that choice should be available. After all, we want to be and live with law abiding citizens within a civilized society, why should the affairs within a family be any different? Society will reap what it sows.

    Reply

• April 30, 2009 by DAVID PAYNE

  If a child learns responsibility at an early age, I don't believe involving the police will be necessary. However, in this society that is rarely the case. Using the police in a real teachable moment, that instills responsibility in the mind of a teen, is appropriate. Indeed, most law enforcement officers would prefer to be involved with teaching deterrents than processing more felons into society. Ask a police officer.

  Reply

• April 30, 2009 by Teresa Christian

  I shudder when I hear my friends helping their kids get out of speeding tickets, over and over again. First, what are you teaching your kids by getting them off; second, obviously, after the 3rd speeding ticket they didn't learn anything, and third, what if someone gets injured or killed next time? Yes, I agree the police may be necessary when all else fails. Kudos to parents who have the strength and courage to do it. That is true love.

  Reply

  • July 14, 2009 by Ed Schmidt

    First of all, it is the parents responsibility to teach the child how to work within the system -government, law, etc; or how to make the system work for you. This will give them a jump start on how to handle tickets, court, lawyers, fees, insurance costs and how to pay for it. These teens are more than likely on their parents insurance plan so it would be in their best interest to fight these tickets to avoid a spike in insurance premiums. The appropriate response would be to remove the teens driving privileges for a set number of months and have them pay for their share of the insurance premium. If the teen has their own car simply remove the ignition cap or battery to prevent them from taking the car while their privileges are lost. There are driver training programs in most states geared towards safe driving, enrolling your teen may save their life and lives of others. I can tell you that the kids learn their driving skills from their parents and having lived next to a school for the last 22 years and watching dozens of parents recklessly speed their children to school through the neighborhood I am concerned for future drivers and pedestrians.

    Reply

• April 30, 2009 by AnnMarie Cunniff

  Taking drastic measures to keep ones kids safe are the most difficult steps a parent ever has to make. I lived it, and the guilt and fear fight this terrible battle within, but there is only ever one answer, "Do the hard thing." The hard thing is what is best, in the long run, for your child. My son became addicted to drugs and alcohol, and knowing full well that I could not stop him, I had to make him choose between going into a program or finding a new place to live. I could no longer watch him hurt himself the way he was. And allowing him to live with me, was enabling his behavior. One night, before I made this decision, my son wanted to leave the house and drive to his girlfriend's house; when I tried to stop him he became insolent, which is not who he normally is. I called the police and my son had started walking away before the police got there and the officer asked me if I wanted him to remove the battery from my son's car and I agreed, so when my son came back to drive the car and was unable to, he knew he had to walk. I was not comfortable with him walking, and it was really hard not knowing whether or not he was safe, but I had to do what I did, and I was grateful to have gotten two policemen that were understanding. They would have put him in protective custody but I thought that it was enough that he walk it off. Having to make him move out was the right thing, calling the police was the right thing. Being a parent can be very difficult, and one must always be prepared to do the right thing, "the hard thing," to keep their children safe.

  Reply

• May 1, 2009 by AnnMarie Cunniff

  You can do a number of things. I remember hearing that from my children also, but considered it "an excuse for bad behavior." A parent does not need to hit their child for discipline, there are other disciplines, and even though your child is bigger than you, does not give him/her the right to get away with bad behavior. There are acceptable behaviors, such as grounding, taking away privileges; and if your child still continues to threaten, then do not hesitate to ask for help, as you have here. I'm sure calling the police will help you, and it does not mean you are not a good parent. Just asking the question shows that you care about raising a good child.

  Reply

  • May 20, 2010 by Tonya

    I think sometimes you cant just punish a child if they are a teenager it is harder. My son has adhd and I am to the point of putting him in a mental faccility. I want that to be my last resort but what do you do when you call the police so many times where they are tired of coming to the house.You sometimes dont have a choice. Also you tell me what police department that locks a teenager up for one night? because I would like them to help me with my son?

    Reply

Tell us what you think.